My Place in the Blogosphere (Updated)

I've been contemplating the fate of this blog of mine... whether it really belongs here or not, in more ways than one. First, there's the simple question of whether I should stick with Blogger or move to Typepad or WordPress. I loathe WordPress, but I like that you can password protect individual entries, so it's tempting, though I'm entirely too lazy to make it happen anytime soon. Typepad is even more tempting, though I'm not sure I'm willing to fork over the cash to blog, since, well, this is, in essence, a useless pastime of mine. Mostly, I think I should switch to TypePad, but I've been saying that for two years, so my guess is that I'll be sticking with Blogger for the moment.

But the more pressing question is whether this blog even belongs here at all, in its present form. I don't know what my place in the blogosphere is anymore, and I know in some ways, I don't fit in and I never have... I never entirely fit the mold of a good and proper infertility blogger... I had primary infertility, but I had a foster son, so I wasn't a childless primary infertile, so I wasn't going through your typical primary infertility experience. On the other hand, I wasn't exactly going through secondary infertility either, was I? Still, I found my place in the infertility blogosphere, one way or another. And then I became one of "those people"... one of those bloggers who wrote about "pregnancy after infertility" and then "pregnancy loss after infertility" and then "pregnancy with higher order multiples after pregnancy loss after infertility". And now I'm a Mother of Multiples (MoM for short). And like many MoM's, I am parenting my multiples after experiencing infertility, so my life isn't JUST about the experience of parenting multiples. My perspective will forever be tainted with the infertility glasses. Some women move past infertility, but I don't think I ever will. Particularly since, crazy as it sounds, I want more kids and I know I can't "just" decide to have more.

But where do I fit? I hesitate sometimes to comment on infertility blogs these days, because do you really want a MoM commenting on your blog? (I don't know, I mean, really? Do you?) But I feel just as out of place on just plain parenting blogs (unless they're about parenting after infertility or about triplets or whatever...there has to be some common bond).

In some ways the name "My Perky Ovaries" isn't right anymore, except in other ways, it's more right than ever.

So what do I do? Do I stay here? Do I change my blog name? Do I make it more of a parenting blog? Do I stick with the whole infertility thing? (Considering that I plan to return to the fertility clinic for another round of fertility hell no later than the end of this year or beginning of next year, my guess is I'm sticking with the infertility thing) Do I start a whole new all-inclusive blog? Do I keep this blog for the infertility musings and start a separate parenting blog? Is that too much work? Do my infertile friends mind reading about my kids? Do I just realize that on some level we all hope and pray that someday ALL of us stirrup queens are writing about our kids so we can't ALL sit around being bitter about the kids that result from all these treatments? I don't know, maybe we can.

I think moving or abandoning this blog would be a bit on the tragic and somewhat melodramatic side. I get about 5,000 pageloads per week... about 3500 unique visitors per week... visitors from about all over the world. These are facts and figures that astound me, and surprise me whenever I see them on my statcounter summary. But they are there, every week, confirmed all the time. So... what to do.

Maybe I should just retire from this whole blogging business all together. I haven't been much of a good blogger anyway. But I'd be sad to leave my blog. Too sad, I think. So I don't think you'll luck out and be rid of me just yet. But for tonight, that's all you're getting out of me. I'm just too tired to be eloquent, even though I have far too much to say about the blessings in my life. It's been a long couple of weeks, and all the exhaustion of the last couple of months is finally catching up to me.

Your thoughts, as always, are appreciated.

Update:
Thanks for all your kind comments. I really wasn't trying to fish for compliments, but gosh, you all gave me lots of warm fuzzies. I don't think it's likely that I would actually stop blogging all together (Jess would KILL me!). I started my blog for me and only me, and if other people happen to read it, well, I find it amusing that anyone else would be interested in this dull life of mine, but I'm flattered. But I sometimes worry that I give a false impression of myself by passing this off as an infertility blog (what with the title and all), when I've got four kids (though, obviously, I fought hard for all of my children, including my foster son). But to discard the infertility label all together... well, that seems just as disingenuous. So anyway, here I will stay, and I'll post about... well, whatever. And you'll read it or you won't. And maybe I'll switch blogging services (most likely to Typepad), but I probably won't, because, you know, I've been threatening to move over to Typepad for, oh, two years now and I'm just too lazy and I don't want to have my archives scattered between two blogs and I'm too stupid to have a manual back up of my blog (which I really ought to do at some point, don't you think?). But the bottom line is, the Perky Household isn't likely to go anywhere, so you're stuck with me for the moment.

Perspective

I still owe the tale of how I came to have a c-section at 33 weeks, and how all that went and all, and I'm still a bit upset about how it all came to be, and the fact that it happened when it happened, but here's a bit of perspective about it...

The night before I delivered my three healthy babies, my doctor's other hospitalized triplet patient went into labor at 24 1/2 weeks. She had been hospitalized after an emergency cerclage earlier in the week and it didn't do enough. One of my worst nightmares throughout my pregnancy... a nightmare that almost came true for me several times. Worse, one of her triplets became septic and didn't survive. The other two, so far as I know, are still in the NICU, but doing well, considering.

Maybe 12-13 days after they were born, I was in the NICU fairly late at night and I ran into the other triplet mama in the elevator on my way home. I know it was her because my husband had described her to me, having seen her around the NICU, but also because she had those three NICU bracelets on her wrist. Those three bracelets just like me. The three bracelets that meant everyone in the hospital seemed to know who we were just with a glance at our wrists. "Oh you're the triplet mother!" "Oh, you must be Mrs. C!" "Hey, you don't know me, but I peeked in on your triplets this morning and they're adorable!" She had her three bracelets on, but more importantly, she had her eyes glued to the three bracelets on my wrist. She didn't say a single word to me, not one, but she never took her eyes off my wrist. I wanted to pull my sleeve down over the bracelets, but I knew that would just draw even more attention to the awkwardness of the situation. I couldn't say anything to her, because anything I said would have been wrong. I shouldn't know her situation. I shouldn't have known that she lost one, but NICU nurses talk, you know? I shouldn't have known anything about her, but I did. I couldn't tell her I was sorry for her loss, because we both knew that upstairs I had three healthy babies.

And so, we said nothing to each other, and I still regret that. All I could wonder was whether I would have taken off that third bracelet or not. I doubt that I would have had the courage to do so. I heard a week or so later that she had taken the third one off, and though I don't know what to make of that, I hope it means that some small piece of her had started down the next step of the grief process towards healing.

My doctor was absolutely devastated. He never loses triplets. It just doesn't happen in his practice. The earliest he's had triplets deliver before was 26 weeks and that was with a totally non-compliant 18 year old patient. You could see the pain of the loss in his eyes, his body language, hear it in his tone... I cried for her, but I also cried for him, because it was so obvious how attached to his patients he becomes. He told me three days after I delivered exactly how worried he'd been about me at different points in my pregnancy... points that I'd already forgotten about. I'd forgotten about that weekend when he thought he might be delivering me at 27 weeks. I'd blocked out of my head exactly how scary things got when my cervix went down to under 1.5cm and the contractions wouldn't stop. I hadn't REALIZED how worried he had become when my blood pressure started to creep up. I never knew that he'd wondered whether he'd be delivering me soon when I saw him at 30 weeks. I never knew how concerned he'd been as my terbutaline dose crept up and up and up. He had provided excellent medical care, impressed upon me the need to follow all doctor's orders. But he had NEVER allowed me to see his worry until after-the-fact. So I know that the sadness he felt over the loss of that triplet was real. I know he visited my triplets and her remaining two triplets in the NICU, which is apparently ridiculously uncommon in the NICU... OBs/Perinatologists apparently never make an appearance in the NICU.

When I found out I was pregnant with triplets, I wasn't thrilled; I was terrified, I was angry, I was sad, I was self-pitying, I was worried. It didn't take me long to figure out that I loved them fiercely, even as they were forming, and that nothing would convince me that I didn't want them. But I wasn't graceful. I blogged about it, knowing I would get a lot of crap for it, and I did get some pretty irate emails, but I'm not sorry that I wrote the truth. I tried to write the truth throughout my pregnancy experience. It wasn't always a very pleasant pregnancy, though the truth is, now I miss being pregnant so much I can taste it, oddly enough. One of the best by-products of my honesty was the number of people who contacted me when they found themselves pregnant with triplets. They either left comments or emailed me privately to either commiserate or ask advice or just to connect with someone else who was living through the same thing. I feel a very, very special connection to each one of you who looked to me for advice or support, though I felt (and feel) unworthy of giving any such advice when I received such amazing advice from incredible triplet veterans like Jody and Jessica among others.

A week or so ago, I heard from one of my friends who was pregnant with triplets. A woman I had never met, who is far across the country from me, but a woman whom I respect and admire more than she knows. The last I had heard from her, her water had broken around 17 or 18 weeks into her pregnancy, and she was on strict-flat-on-her-back bed rest in hopes of holding on to those babies until viability at least. A terrible, horrible position to be in, for sure. But then I delivered my triplets and I'd been out of the loop for a bit, until she emailed me to let me know that she delivered the first of her three triplets at 19 weeks, on the day I was admitted to the hospital. He lived for about an hour and she got to hold him and love him and say hello and good bye to him. She miraculously held on to his sister and brother for another two weeks before delivering them at 21 weeks. They, too, lived about an hour, before she lost them. I cannot begin to describe how devastated I was when I read her email and watched the beautiful memorial video she sent me. I would share it, but I haven't asked permission to do so, and it's not my story to tell, except as it pertains to this post.

I've never met my friend. She was, as Julie would say, a "friend inside the computer", but that makes her no less my friend, and makes me no less attached to her story. That is one of the beauties of the blogosphere. We are all spread across the world, we'd probably never meet under normal circumstances, and if we did, who knows if we'd ever realize we had enough in common to be friends. But here inside the computer, look how much we find in common with one another! Look how attached to each other's stories we become! This is a strange little universe we float around in, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I found love and support and humour and grace in the blogosphere when I thought I couldn't have any of those things in this ridiculous journey, and I continue to find all of that and tremendous friendship. I grieve for my friends' losses whether I've met them or not, and I take all of your stories very personally, even if I haven't had a lot of time recently to peek in and comment. I will resurface at some point, and I vow to leave at least three comments per week from here on out, because isolation is not any fun and I miss all of you and I would hate to think that any of you think I don't care anymore.

But mostly, to my friend who lost her triplets so tragically last month, know that my heart breaks for you and that it is not lost on me that no matter how much I would have liked SOME things to have gone differently, God gave me three precious gifts five weeks ago today. I will never lose sight of the fact that they could just as easily have been taken from me. I am so, so sorry for your loss and for the many losses I've seen in my time in the blogosphere. I rejoice with my friends when miracles happen, but my grief sinks just as low when tragedy strikes. I love all of you so much. Thank you for your support.

New Look!

So Jess decided one day that I needed a pick-me-up. I don't entirely remember why, but something was going on. So she conspired to get me a new header for my blog, which was good, because I'd been using a boring Blogger Template for the year that I'd had the blog, so it was about time for a new look. She conspired with Stefanie to create a new banner for me.

Apparently, Stefanie, who did this out of the goodness of her heart (or great love for Jess, I suppose), as I've never met her, but I'll be reading her blog from now on, sent bunches of images of cute pregnant chicks to Jess to possibly use, but they were all these impossibly tall, wicked thin, long-blonde-hair pregnant chicks shopping. Jess, knowing my great hatred for shopping and knowing that, well, I'm not tall (I'm 5'0"), not impossibly thin, and I'm guessing she figured out the blonde part (I have light brown hair), nixed them all. I found this very funny.

Anywhozit, I think it's just lovely, and I hope you like my new look, because Stefanie is clearly brilliant!

Some Things of Note and Ultrasound Pictures

Lots of local people have asked me about visitors... I'm all for visitors but not until the week of August 5th since my husband will be sitting shiva here. I would prefer not to have huge crowds of people here at once, but I'm all for having company since I do so love attention! Feel free to email me if you want more details. Please note that I'm not offended if you have neither the time nor the inclination, I am merely responding to the inquiries I have received.

My husband's father's funeral is finally set for tomorrow at 2pm in New Hampshire. He's flying out tomorrow morning and coming home in the late evening. Thank you to everyone who has sent such kind words and condolences our way. Your thoughts are much appreciated. It is very difficult for me to watch Seth learning how to react to this change in his life as I struggle to consider my own parents' eventual mortality (as LJ so eloquently put it). God willing, I will not learn for many decades how I will react to this kind of a loss.

I am happy to report that this morning I had only one contraction whille monitoring. Go me! I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've been trying to use biofeedback techniques that I use for migraines when I start noticing contractions... I think it actually helps. I remain more and more convinced that if I had a normal singleton pregnancy I could totally do the drug-free birth. I haven't lost hope for a vaginal triplet delivery either... though I don't know how long I'll be able to get away without losing that hope and I know they'll at least make me have the epidural in place even if there are no drugs running through it.

And on to pictures!!

Here lies Baby A. Baby A, the little beast, is firmly lodged against my cervix and spends plenty of time reminding me of this fact, normally head-butting me, but often punching me with a fist. REPEATEDLY. I do not like it, sam I am. I do not like it at all! Yesterday, babies A and B were fighting like mad with each other. It was like watching a boxing match, only slightly less choreographed. Baby A is definitely on my list, though. I'm going to be holding a grudge for at LEAST a minute after the delivery. So there.






Here lies Baby B. Baby B is the good one. Except yesterday he (RANDOM pronoun there... We DON'T know sexes!) was punching his sibling, so now I'm not so sure. Baby B and Baby C spent a lot of time kicking me, and they love to kick things off my big belly. For example, I tend to rest my mouse on my belly while I have my laptop in my ever-shrinking lap, and they will literally kick the mouse off. Sometimes it's a team effort, but I think baby B is a little stronger than Baby C. Or maybe just better positioned with more leverage. Who knows? Anyway, for the most part, Baby B behaves. He (STILL A RANDOM PRONOUN) is always the one willing to pose for the sonographer and always lets us get a really good look at his heart. Clearly, Baby B takes after ME since he is so cooperative. Somehow, I am not certain that I have convinced my husband of this certainty... Ah well.


And here lies Baby C. I think Baby C is blowing a Spit Bubble which makes Baby C a serious trouble maker. Definitely Baby C takes after J. I HATE SPIT BUBBLES! Babies B and C are usually the ones that fight, but yesterday, Baby C was quite content all by himself (SERIOUSLY, people, it's a RANDOM PRONOUN). Anyway, Baby C had all sorts of space since Babies A and B were dueling down below. It was kind of funny, actually!










And, the picture I've been waiting 6 months for! All three heads in a row! They are all head down, which is why I'm totally NOT giving up hope for a vaginal delivery. Without drugs! It totally CAN happen! I'm telling you! Seriously! I'm seriously going for it. If, you know, I make it that far. I have to get to 34 weeks for them to agree to it. So here I lay, hating bed rest, but very grateful that it seems to be doing what it's supposed to be doing! Keeping those babies on the INSIDE.



And that's pretty much all the news for now. I hope you're all well. I'll catch up on blogs in a bit!

Don't Freak Out!

Apparently I freaked out Jess today by not being as available on IM as I usually am, or at any of the usual times. And I hadn't posted or emailed her. And you know, things haven't all been going swimmingly with me recently, so this led her to the natural conclusion that there was the vague possibility that I'd ended up back in the hospital and frankly, she'd had a shitty enough day that this was news she simply could not and would not tolerate. So there. She sent me an email around 9:30 saying "Where in All of heck are you?" among other things.

So here I am. I'm okay. I'm very slow to respond to email these days in part because emailing and lying down are sometimes mutually exclusive. I wasn't on IM most of the day because I wasn't feeling great but also because my computer was being super-finicky and ticking me off and because I had a doctor's appointment. I solemnly promise that tomorrow when things have calmed down a bit, I'll give Jess my password for my blogger account and I will call her if I have to be admitted to the hospital and can't post. She will post for me, if she's willing (and I'm assuming she will be), okay?

One bit of warning... my husband will be sitting Shiva for a week starting this Thursday. My guess is that my online presence during that week will be somewhat diminished. SO DON'T FREAK OUT. I made my doctor promise me that there would be no disasters while my husband is sitting shiva. He's a trustworthy doc, so I can't imagine he was just humoring me, right? Er...

Anywhozit, I saw the doctor today, and the good news is that my cervix is still stable, so no cerclage. The less good news is that I'm still having contractions between auto-doses of the terbutaline pump... not so many that anyone's super concerned, but enough that it seems like the baseline dose probably needs to be increased, but I'm not so much looking forward to the increased side effects. But whatever it takes to keep these babies cooking a little longer!! The not good news was that I lost 6 pounds in a week. While on bed rest for crying out loud! Now, normally a girl of my girth would be jumping for joy at a 6 pound loss. Except, well, I'm not allowed to jump. And um, while my doctor wasn't fretting about me not gaining any weight... they don't love seeing a 6 pound loss in a week either. So I have to shape up, darnit! And take an extra prenatal vitamin, apparently. And, you know, not lose another 6 pounds this week. Since I have no idea how I lost that weight, I also don't know how to avoid doing it again, so this ought to be fun.

I'm slowly catching up on blogs... but I'm not commenting nearly enough. Very sorry!!

Miscellaneous

DC Get-Together
I think I posted that I was going to get together with some DC-area bloggers. I almost chickened out, but I decided to be a grown-up and just walk up to a group of random women who looked like they might just be a bunch of infertility bloggers. Thank heavens I picked the right group! There were nine of us there, and we really had a terrific time. I felt a little bit awkward at first, being the token pregnant-lady there, and it's not like I can even hide it at this point. I mean, I'm fat in the first place, but at this point, I definitely am visibly pregnant and I can't just pass it off as too many pints of Ben and Jerry's. Anyway, no one seemed too bothered by it. My husband had suggested I wear a nametag that said, "Hello My Name Is Myrtle" but I declined. ;)

At any rate, it was a fabulous group of women and I'm thrilled to pieces that I got over my ridiculous self long enough to take a deep breath and walk up to a group of strangers, because it was truly the most enjoyable evening I've had in quite some time. Even if I did have to get up to pee four times (and seriously, we could NOT have been seated further away from the bathroom!). Good thing I'd insisted on sitting on the end. What a fabulous group of women we were, though! I think we may have scared the waiter a little bit, but that's okay. It just means he earned his gratuity, right? It was a touching and hilarious night. Lindsay was so sweet and perfect, and such a doll for organizing the group in the first place. I hope we do this again soon! (though I don't know if I'll be able to make the next one... it totally depends on whether I do get stuck on real bedrest... we'll see) Maybe next time we can have pedicures and mojitos (virgin for me - oh the irony!) at my place. :)

Some Questions Answered

Are you going to find out the sexes? Most emphatically, no. I have no intention of finding out what flavor these babies are. I figure I should get to do at least ONE thing the old fashioned way! Plus, our lives will be upside down no matter what, I seriously doubt it's going to matter whether they're boys or girls, and it's likely that we'll have a mix regardless of how they're distributed. My husband, I think, would really like to find out. But, well, I kind of have veto power when it comes to the dildo-cam. Plus, his logic with finding out with a singleton was that it would be easier to plan. I don't think the logic holds with triplets. I don't think you can really plan for triplets, you just have to pray a lot! :)

When are you due? Heck if I know. I don't even know how to answer that question. I'm due November 6, technically. Except, that's never going to happen. I will deliver no later than September 26, which is exactly 34 weeks (also erev sukkot). I hope to at LEAST make it to September 12, which is 32 weeks, which I don't think will be a problem. My perinatologist gets almost all their triplet patients to 34 weeks, with very, very few exceptions.

When does bed rest start? Heck if I know. I was originally told that it would unequivocally start this week. However, that appears to be more flexible than I was originally led to believe. Apparently because I'm doing so well, I get to lead the decision on when bed rest begins. I believe most of why I'm doing so well is that with only a couple of exceptions, if I'm not at work, I'm at home on bed rest. The DC Get Together was one such exception. But I've otherwise gone straight home and curled up in a recliner or my bed and not moved until I have to (usually to pee! Gah!). I intend to remain relatively strict about this, because I do enjoy the flexibility to occasionally break my self-imposed rules. I would not be so cavalier about breaking doctor-mandated bed rest. So for the moment, I'm not on bed rest officially and won't be until I feel it's necessary or until the doctors get uncomfortable. And that's all I know.

Some Sad Googling

heavy bleeding contraction-like cramps: I'm going to assume whoever wrote this query is pregnant. Even if you're not pregnant, the best advice I can give you is to contact your doctor. It could be nothing serious. I hope it's nothing serious. But your doctor should know what's going on.

iui cycle failed: I'm so sorry. I've been there, and it's no fun. The best thing for me after a failed cycle was knowing what would be happening next. A new IUI cycle? An IVF cycle? Same Protocol? Change in Protocol? I liked to know all of that ahead of time, before it failed, not because I wanted to be pessimistic, but because it helped me take a failed cycle and psychologically turn it into a new beginning.

cyst in ovaries while pregnant: I haven't had this problem, and I know it's not uncommon. But there are so many ways this could be read. It depends on how big the cysts are, how many, what kind of cysts they are, etc. The good news is that you wouldn't know that you had cysts if your doctor didn't know, so I don't have to worry that you aren't under a doctor's care. I hope you are able to find out what your options/needs are from your doctor. If you aren't comfortable with your doctor's advice, please seek a second or third opinion.

triplet pregnancy blogs: This, of course, isn't one of the sad ones. You got me. I've definitely got a triplet pregnancy blog.

ovaries and kidneys picture with uti: I'm not quite sure what to make of this one. Anyone got any help on this one?

my ovaries hurts is that a sign that i might be pregnacy: More likely your ovaries being sensitive is a sign that you ovulated. The surest sign that you're pregnant is the presence of hCG in your blood and urine by about 14 days post ovulation. So wait a week or two and POAS.

ovary uncomfortable: That certainly sounds unpleasant, though I often wonder how women know that it is specifically their ovary that feels uncomfortable.

severe pain in my ovaries: Any time someone suggests "severe" pain to me, I suggest contacting your physician. Anything that far outside the range of normal should be reported to your doctor.

cramps near ovaries during early pregnancy is it normal? Yes.

menstrual cramps worse after iui: This is also normal. I didn't have cramping after all of my IUIs, but I did after a few of them, and it's very normal. Introducing anything into the uterine environment can cause it to contract, which will cause that cramping feeling. Now if what you meant was after a failed IUI the cramps associated with the subsequent period are worse than normal... well, that's normal too... especially if you were on progesterone supplements. It's really unfair.

Something that Shocked Me (in a good way)
I forgot to mention that at my perinatology appointment last week, I'd made a crack at Dr. G about being bitter that they weren't going to let me push these babies out the old fashioned way. I gave my usual shpiel about how I figure the babies are going to be so tiny that they'll just come right out, no problem!

His response astounded me. Instead of their usual bit about "fetal distress", "maternal hemmorhage", "healthy outcome" and all that rational, logical stuff, he said, "well, it's just that to do a vaginal triplet delivery everything has to line up perfectly and the odds are really low that it will, especially since you don't have a lot of room for them to move around in there, but I've done it. Both Dr. P and I have done vaginal triplet deliveries." Really? I mean, REALLY? Here I was just giving my usual joke figuring on the usual rational, logical answer, and I'm hearing that it STILL DOES HAPPEN?

"Look," he said, "when the time gets closer, if everything is lining up perfectly, which it probably won't, and you still want to talk about it, we can absolutely do that, but you have to understand how low the odds are of it happening that way, and you have to understand that we reserve the right at all times to tell you that we're not going to do it." I totally get that. But I mean... really? It could happen? Even just that 0.0000000001% chance? Really? Sure, but don't count on it. Especially if the previa doesn't completely resolve itself (it's moved significantly, but it's still in the way a bit).

Still, something about the c-section not being completely written in stone makes me feel a zillion times better. I have the absolute dumbest reason for not wanting a c-section. I want nothing to do with an epidural. Now, if I did a vaginal delivery, I'd still have to have an epidural in place, though I wouldn't have to have drugs running through it. But my fear of the epidural is two-fold: First, I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever want a needle in or near my spinal column ever. Second, I don't want to not be able to feel the lower half of my body. This terrifies me. I had a TIA when I was 23, and it was terrifying not to be able to move or feel my left side. I never want to purposely experience that again. So while I wouldn't get out of having the needle in/near my spinal column, I COULD get out of having to be numb in my lower half. I mean, it's NEVER going to happen. There is no possibility that I'm not having a c-section. But there's something comforting about being able to pretend for a few weeks that I have options.

Update: Carol mentioned that she'd been wondering why a c-section seemed to be the default for triplet deliveries on TV... e.g. is it because it's easier for the doctors or because vaginal triplet deliveries aren't possible? The answer is that in MOST cases, vaginal deliveries aren't safe for mother OR babies. Certainly it IS easier for the doctors (and less liability), but there's mostly the fact that very few triplet pregnancies really are conducive to safe vaginal deliveries. I'm very certain that I will not be allowed to have a vaginal delivery, but I still find it oddly comforting that my doctors are willing to consider the conversation if by some miracle everything really did line up perfectly and the stars were perfectly aligned and the moons were in all the right houses and I sacrified the right color goat...

Advice Sought re: Childbirth Class
Here's the thing. I feel like if I were a responsible parent-to-be, I would take a parenting/childbirth class. Except that they are largely geared toward women having singleton, vaginal deliveries, which, we all know, I am not. So there are multiples classes available, except not so much. The closest class to me that's a multiples class is in Baltimore and it's only offered on Saturdays, which doesn't so much work for me. (My rabbi doesn't seem to want to give me one of those "Get out of being Jewish for a Day" cards... drat!) Okay, so to heck with those options.

I COULD take a caesarean class. EXCEPT, honestly, those are basically about what to expect from the procedure, the anesthesia, and recovery. Oh, and you get to watch a video of a c-section. Now, I've seen LOTS of videos of c-sections. I have had surgery before. I am not freaked out or anxious about the c-section per se. My irrational fears of the epidural aside, I have no anxiety about this in the least. I know what is going to happen, I understand my role ("lay there and do what we say"), I know what recovery from abdominal surgery is like, and I know it will suck a lot more than recovery from having my gall bladder removed laproscopically. So what's the point? Even the nurse at the perinatologist's office said if I wasn't feeling anxiety about the c-section, I probably wouldn't get much out of any such class.

So aside from getting my infant-CPR renewed, which I'd rather do closer to the delivery anyway, what should I do? Should I just accept that you don't have to take some ridiculous class in order to be a responsible parent-to-be?

My husband also wanted to take a "Daddy Boot Camp" type class but every area hospital that has a Dads 101/Daddy Boot Camp/whatever you want to call it class offers it only on Saturdays, which, again, doesn't work for us. So now he's looking for some sort of book, but from what I can tell, all the dad-centric books are awful, so I think he'll just have to wing it, unless you all have any suggestions.

Barren Bitches Book Brigade - Tour 3 (The Time Traveler's Wife)

So I recently pointed you guys to Mel's Blog, and I'll be doing so again now. The Third Tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigade is coming to a close. This tour's book is The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. I had read this book prior to the announcement of Tour number 3, and gladly pulled it out for a second read to participate in this tour, because it is an excellent book. It is, at its essence, a love story, and a beautiful one at that. If you haven't read the book, I'm afraid that this post MIGHT give some spoilers (though I haven't constructed my answers yet, so maybe I'm wrong), but you should still read the book. It's an excellent book with beautiful themes.

Its relevence to the world of infertile myrtles is that the main characters of the book struggle with their own unique form of infertility. Henry, who suffers from a genetic disorder called "chrono-impairment", seems to pass this disorder on to his future children. Unfortunately, this means a problem with his wife, Clare, carrying the children to term, because at some point, the fetuses tend to time travel out of the womb, leading to miscarriage. Clare suffers several such miscarriages, but never wants to stop trying to find an answer to their infertility. Her determination is one which non-infertiles might call desperation, but which we infertiles fully relate to.

Mel, as always, did a superb job organizing the book tour, and has collected a broad range of questions from each of the participants. So if you are interested in reading other people's responses, you'll find that everyone probably answered different questions than I did, so you'll get a broad range of perspectives. Visit Mel's blog at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com for a full list of tour participants so that you can enjoy everyone's take on this fantastic book. And so, without further ado, here are my responses to the questions I've chosen to answer:

If you were able to communicate with a past or future version of yourself, how much would you tell them? How much would you want to know? Discuss how well you think Clare and Henry struck this balance, giving examples of points and ways in which they conveyed or withheld information.

Henry often frustrated Clare by his unwillingness to divulge too much about their future selves, but he did so in her own best interests. Henry gave Clare clues into her future by telling a very young Clare that in their future they are married, and also by dictating to her a list of dates in which he will visit her childhood self, but the details of their future relationship are held back. Henry prefers that Clare get to experience their relationship "untainted", refusing to tell her of the specific circumstances in which they meet in "real time" so that she can experience it without preconceptions. He withholds details of their future, both good and bad, preferring to allow her some sense of control over their future.

There are other times, however, when Henry can't help but allow his knowledge of the future to affect his perceptions of "real time". For example, when looking for a house together, he dismisses houses out of hand that have the wrong view from the back window, which in some ways denied Clare the true experience of house-hunting. (And he even admits that he could be wrong, since he didn't know if the future house he'd seen was their first house together or a subsequent house). Henry also uses his time traveling ability to fund their "rock n' roll lifestyle" by investing in stock he knows will do well and by purchasing a winning lottery ticket.

As for my own personal feelings on the matter, I believe that knowing too much about our futures could be detrimental and I'd like to think that I would have the same self-restraint that Henry had. (Though seriously, I doubt I'd have that much self restraint) If I could go back 5 years and talk to myself about the struggle of infertility, I don't think I would give myself any specifics. But what I would tell myself is that I can endure far more than I believed then. I would tell myself that even when I think I can't, I'll find the strength to move forward. And I'd tell myself I really don't have it as bad as many other strong women. But I wouldn't tell myself I'd end up with 6 IUIs, a miscarriage, and a triplet pregnancy. I wouldn't tell myself how that triplet pregnancy would turn out (though oh heavens, I sure would like to know that now, so I could stop struggling with what to do about this!). I wouldn't tell myself how many injections I'd given myself (hundreds), or how many transvaginal ultrasounds I've had (close to 100, I figured out the other day... I'm not kidding!), or any of those details. I wouldn't tell myself how long it will last, how many struggles I have to go through, only that I will make it through in the end. I think knowing ahead of time would have made it that much harder. I knew before I was married that I would have problems conceiving, because I knew I wasn't ovulating. I knew that fertility would be a struggle, but had I known the details, I think I would have sunk to the depths of despair. I didn't realize until after my miscarriage that I really can endure. That I really can make it through. And that I really will do anything I can to achieve my dream. I don't think it would have done any good to tell my past self that I would struggle in that way for that length of time before coming to those specific realizations.

There were several ways in which Clare and Henry's experience of infertility (and pregnancy after infertility) rang true - in their individual reactions, in their joint reaction as a couple, and in their interactions with the outside world. Choose one or two specific examples and relate them to your personal experience.

There is a passage in which Henry thinks to himself, Seeing Clare with a baby in her arms, the reality of our miscarriages grabs me and for a moment I feel nauseous... The feeling retreats and I am left with the actuality of what we've been doing: we have been losing children. Where are they, these lost children, wandering, hovering around confused? I originally read this passage long before I'd ever dreamt I would experience the pain of a miscarriage, but the passage still rang true for me. It captured the essence of the pain that I had experienced with each failed cycle. The pain that I felt every time I saw my husband holding a friend's newborn cooing at the baby. The pain that I felt every time I wondered if I would ever have that. I had never lost a child in the sense of miscarriage at that point, but I felt, the moment I read that passage, that it was exactly what I'd been experiencing for years: the pain of losing children that had never had the opportunity to exist. The passage obviously holds deeper meaning for me now that I've experienced a miscarriage, but it's still this sense of "yes! That's exactly it! That's exactly how I feel sometimes!" that I felt before I'd ever so much as gotten pregnant.

In another passage, Clare and Henry go for an ultrasound when Clare is 18 weeks pregnant with their future daughter. Niffeneger does a fabulous job of building up the tension that Henry is experiencing sitting in the waiting room with all the other expectant couples, and then they are called back to an examining room:
Clare and I hold hands. We watch the monitor, too. Slowly the image builds itself, bit by bit.
On the screen is a weather map of the world. Or a galaxy, a swirl of stars. Or a baby.
"Bien joue, une fille," Dr. Montague says. "She is sucking her thumb. She is very pretty and very big."
Clare and I exhale. On the screen a pretty galaxy is sucking her thumb. As we watch she takes her hand away from her mouth. Dr. Montague says, "She smiles." And so do we.

This is not yet a passage that rings true for me. I haven't found the moment when I can exhale. But I do hope that at some point, I find myself exhaling with relief, with a feeling that things will turn out okay, with a sense of calm, a sense of comfort. I yearn for the day I can exhale and believe that I've reached a point where I can stop worrying. I imagine that point is different for everyone. I suspect for me, it will be long after I'm holding my baby in my arms. And that's okay. So long as I do, someday, get to exhale.

What do you think Clare meant by saying that adopting would be "just pretending?" Do you think she is justified in her view, even though she continues to try and conceive knowing that the babies time travel out of the womb and die?

Clare elaborates later in the passage on what she meant, by saying that she and Henry pretend all the time to be "normal people". Pretending that it's perfectly okay that Henry disappears all the time, that Henry almost gets killed, pretending she doesn't care "when our babies die". Clare sobs and pushes Henry away, not able to accept his comfort. I think Clare thinks that adopting would be pretending that she doesn't feel the pain of infertility. I think in some ways it would only accentuate to her the myriad of ways in which she and Henry just aren't like normal people. I am all for adopting, but I certainly understand Clare's feelings. People who say, "why don't you just adopt" don't get it. Of course I would love a baby no matter who gave birth to it, but is it so much to ask that I get to experience the miracle of pregnancy like "normal" women? Is it fair to only say, "why don't you just adopt?" to infertile women? Why don't we say that to fertile women, too? We don't say it to fertile women because fertile women don't "need" to adopt to be "normal", but somehow we infertiles do. No, I don't think it's pretending. I have a beautiful foster son who I could not love a single bit more if I'd given birth to him, but it doesn't change that I want to experience pregnancy first-hand. So yes, I believe Clare is "justified" in her thinking, no matter what the outcome. Everyone is "justified" to their emotional responses. Clare desperately wants a baby, she desperately wants her own baby, and how many of us can say we've never felt that way? Unlike Clare, I don't care about the specific genetic link to a child, but I DO care about experiencing pregnancy... all of it, not just the first 12 weeks ... it's something that I really regret not having experienced sooner and I do truly hope I get to experience it in the future. I think it would be terrible to judge someone negatively for their desire to have a child of their "own" versus adopting. Adoption is the perfect option for many people, but it isn't the perfect option for everyone.

Don't forget to hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/ . You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.

WalkAmerica

If you've never read Mel's blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters, you've been missing out. Mel's blog is far more than a blog. It is a wealth of information for infertility bloggers. There are links to virtually any kind of infertility blog out there. She has rounded up an amazing group of Peer Infertility Counselors in a variety of categories, so if you're ever seeking information on, say, Depression and Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, Multifetal Pregnancy Reduction, IVF, IUI, or any of a myriad of other topics, you can find someone who has been there, done that, and who has agreed to share her experiences with you.

Mel also has started to develop what she calls an Emblopedia, an emotional blog encyclopedia which archives thoughts and feelings on a variety of categories and subcategories regarding infertility. I myself have been meaning to submit some entries to the Emblopedia, but haven't had time yet. But Mel never seems to run out of time. She organizes the Emblopedia, she developed the Peer Infertility Counselor List and wait! There's more! She organizes and hosts the Barren Bitches Book Brigade (which I'm excited to be participating in for the first time for Tour 3!). She has an unbelievable amount of information on her site. She has incredible insights into the world of infertility. She's an incredible writer whose blog is as selfless as any I've ever seen. (my blog is entirely selfish... I write for myself and not as a public service... Mel gives more of herself in her blog than I've ever seen anyone do)

You'd think that would be enough. And seriously, how does Mel ever find time to sleep or spend time with her amazing twins? But she does! Seriously! And more than that! Mel has found yet another selfless way to champion the causes that we infertiles face every day: Mel is participating in WalkAmerica to support the March of Dimes. If you don't know what great work March of Dimes supports, you should get thee to their site and educate yourself. For we all benefit from the incredible research and education that the March of Dimes supports. Mel says she is shy about posting about her participation in WalkAmerica, but she shouldn't be, and I am certainly not going to be shy about promoting her efforts for her. Please go read Mel's post about WalkAmerica and then consider sponsoring Mel in her efforts to support the March of Dimes. You know you want to.

It doesn't matter how much you sponsor her for, $1, $10, $50, whatever you feel comfortable with, because every dollar counts. Mel appears to have set for herself a very modest goal of $500. I hope that we Infertile Myrtles can help her exceed that goal by at least double. Won't you please support this most worthy cause? Won't you please show Mel how much you appreciate her tireless and selfless efforts to make the infertility blogging community a cohesive and supportive unit? I did, and I feel better for it already.

And honestly, if you've been living under a rock and you've never read Mel's blog... you're missing out.

Podcast Recommendation

I've been meaning to write this post for quite a long time, and it just never materialized. But I wanted to talk about a podcast I discovered. I had never understood podcasts before. It seemed to be completely odd and random, and I couldn't figure out people's obsessions with podcasting. Then my husband got me an iPod for Chanukah. I never wanted an iPod. I thought it silly and frivolous. I now can't figure out how I ever lived without one, even though I still use it far less than most iPod owners.

Around the same time, I got a comment in my blog from Malky B. Malky and her husband Aaron have a podcast called "The Second Time Around." Amazingly enough, the podcast is largely about secondary infertility, but also of course talks about and is relevant to primary infertility issues. Malky once told me she wasn't sure how I "put myself out there" in a blog, whereas, I'm in awe of her ability to talk frankly in a podcast. "The Second Time Around" was the first podcast I'd ever listened to, but I now have several queued up to listen to.

Malky and I started an email exchange almost immediately after she left her first comment in my blog and she is delightfully articulate about her experiences with both primary and secondary infertility. Her story isn't for me to share (inasmuch as I haven't asked her permission to do so), but you can hear snippets of her story in various episodes of the podcast. Aaron, too, is delightfully articulate and forthcoming about his feelings on both primary and secondary infertility. Shortly after I started corresponding with Malky via email, she asked if I would like to be a guest on the show. I balked at the idea. I haven't anything original to contribute to the world of infertility. My story is much like anyone elses: I want a baby, I haven't been able to have one, therefore I subject myself to all the evils of fertility treatment in my quest. But Malky was persuasive and we found a time that we were all free to record an interview for use on the podcast.

The night of the interview came and I was so unbelievably sick that I'd been out of work for several days and continued to be out for several more after that. Still, putting it off wasn't going to do anyone any good, so we went forward with the interview. Listening to the episode I realize that I sound a lot better than I felt, and I don't sound great. I also said "um" far too often, and it was partly because I was having trouble breathing and partly because I'm really not terribly articulate in the first place.

At any rate, regardless of my own interview on the podcast, I would encourage everyone to consider downloading a couple of episodes and listening to them. Aaron and Malky are a lot of fun and are doing a terrific job of talking through many of the issues that we infertiles struggle with.

For more information you can visit their blog at: http://benedictfamily.org
My interview is on Episode 13: http://www.benedictfamily.org/?p=175 (note that the beginning part of the episode seems to have a bit of a synching issue where there's a lag between aaron and malky's mics, but the problem clears up in the second half of the episode)

At any rate, I hope some of you listen to the podcast. I think SaraS-P does already. I particularly recommend the episodes on coping with pregnancy loss (Episode 4 and Episode 5).

Housekeeping

I recently updated my list of blogs in the sidebar. I think I might have missed a couple, and I do occasionally look at Julie's Big List O' Blogs to see if there's anyone new. But I was wondering if there are any infertility bloggers you all recommend. Are there any you're particularly enjoying these days that I don't have listed (or even if I do have them listed, I suppose). Or, even though De-Lurking Week is over... perhaps you're reading this blog and I don't have you listed. Could you let me know? Also, if you'd prefer your blog NOT be listed (or be listed differently), please let me know. It won't keep me from reading your blog, but I do know some people prefer not to have links directly to their blogs.

That's about it. Everything else is normal.
Nightly Follistim injections? Check.
Accompanying nausea? Check.
Worst migraines I've had in close to a decade? Check.
Two funerals a week apart, neither local, each involving a 5 to 9 hour drive? Check.
31st Birthday? Check.
Wondermous husband who surprised me by telling me he's taking me out to dinner tonight to celebrate the aforementioned birthday? Check.

What more could a girl ask for? Next update probably Wednesday after my CD8 bloodwork and ultrasound. Anticipate increasing Follistim dosage slightly and returning Friday. We'll see if I'm correct.

On my Anonymity (or lack thereof)

You've probably noticed that I don't go to great lengths to protect my identity. I mean, I try not to drag my husband and foster son into things too often, but as far as my own identity is concerned, my blog is pretty transparent. If anyone who knew me stumbled across my blog, it wouldn't take long to figure out they knew me. And while I'd prefer not to know that my friends outside the computer are reading this particular blog, I can live with it. Come to think of it... maybe you hadn't noticed. Whatever. I'm still going to write about my lack of anonymity, like it or not. It's my blog; you don't have to read it.

RIGHT. Anyway, this post is prompted because a blog that I recently found (and have read much of the archives of, but have only just started commenting on) just went underground. And the one thing I really hate about Typepad is that if you password protect your blog, there's no front page. Just a prompt for password and an error page if you fail to log in properly. There's no place to leave a comment or anything to say "hey, I really liked your blog. I'm sorry you decided you needed to go underground. Good luck and stuff." So basically... the blog just went *poof* to me, and this frustrates me. I completely respect people's need to keep their identity closed tight. I do. Really. And it's certainly not MY place to say what other people should do. It's just I've never really felt a need for that much secrecy.

True, I'm much more open about the specifics of my cycles and treatment here inside the computer than I am in real life. It is also true that I'd really rather my "real-life" friends not know exactly when I'm POAS or going for a wanding appointment at the RE's. I'd rather my friends NOT know when "that time of the month" is, or when each and every disappointment happens. I'd prefer they continue thinking I'm a relatively stable human being, while you, my friends inside the computer, know the truth is that I'm a complete nutjob in need of serious therapy, but too far in denial to bother.

Still, I won't be password-protecting my blog anytime soon. Nor will I stop using my real name, or location. And I won't always use pseudonyms like "Dr. Amazing." I slip and say "Dr. Levy" all the time. I'm also obviously quite transparent about which clinic I go to... it's not a big stretch to figure out where "Shady Hell" really is. (Actually, I didn't start calling it Shady Hell for purposes of anonymity... I did that because it's my own little slice of hell) At any rate, the fundamental reason why I don't go to greater lengths to protect my anonymity? Basically, I'm lazy. It's too hard for me to remember what I've nicknamed all the doctors, or the clinic, or my husband or cats (oops, that was a clue! You might figure out who I am with that little tidbit thrown in!), or anything, really. I've never been a good liar, because I really can't keep my stories straight unless they're... well, you know, the truth. Beyond that, well, there are other reasons, but that's the heart of the matter. I'm a fundamentally lazy person. And a bad liar, too.

The rest of the reason is really that I don't know that we infertiles really do ourselves any service by staying in the closet. True, I have no interest in my friends from shul or PTA or whatever having any clue when I'm going in for Day 3 ultrasounds, because, well, yuck! But I don't even try to hide the fact that I'm a member of that exclusive infertility club. I gave up on that long ago. It hasn't made the stupid comments any easier or any less frequent. It hasn't meant anyone has any great sensitivity for my plight. None of that, really. But it has meant I don't have to pretend to be someone (and something) I'm not. And it's meant I don't have to be ashamed of who I am.

There's a woman in my community who recently celebrated her 5th wedding anniversary. She and her husband have no children. In the Orthodox Jewish world, this isn't terribly common. She and her husband tend toward the very modern side of Orthodoxy, they are both successful attorneys, and I believe both baal teshuva (meaning they didn't grow up as Orthodox... neither did I). As a result, there's been a bit of snickering behind their backs for a couple years. Some comments are sympathetic and pondering whether maybe they have a "problem" that they can get "taken care of" since it worked so well for my friend who has twins from IVF and is now pregnant again (whoops! she wasn't expecting that!). Others are snarky. "I bet they're using birth control." "Someone should tell her that putting her career first could backfire... she's not getting any younger, you know." I don't know her that well, and I certainly wasn't going to pry. I said nothing. But we were recently at the park together and she mentioned that they were "trying the in vitro again" as though I'd always known they were doing IVF. I mean, okay, yeah, I figured they were. But you know what? Good for her for being that open about it. And we compared clinic notes and had a good laugh. This is one of the reasons that I don't really mind that people know that we're struggling with infertility. At least people know. And at least I'm not ashamed to compare notes with a friend in the park. I've definitely found more support in being out of the closet than I ever found staying in the closet.

So I won't be going underground. I won't be trying harder to hide my identity. Frankly, I'm not that interesting, and far more interesting infertility blogs pop up on google searches than mine, so I don't live in fear that someone will come across mine accidentally. And if they do? Good for them. And if they get more information than they wanted? Well, they didn't have to read it, did they?

And now, I'm going to crawl back into bed for a little while. Oh wait, I can't. I've got to get J into PJs and try to convince him that bedtime isn't JUST for wussies.