a clarification

I realized that I may not have been entirely clear on something and since blogger doesn't support threaded comments, it seems to warrant its own post. In my last post, I referred to the rambunctious three year old in my house. Erin insightfully replied:

...Having a child already does help mitigate some of the pain but in other ways, it makes it even more painful--you'd already started to compare your pregnancy with this child to your pregnancy with your son, thinking about what it would be like to see your son as a big brother, etc...

While it's true that I do spend some time wondering what J would be like as a big brother, I don't compare pregnancies. In four years of trying to conceive, I've had only one pregnancy. My rambunctious three year old is a foster son. I don't think of him that way, because we've had him for two years and he's every bit as much our son as if I'd given birth to him. Still, it changes the dynamic for me in some ways. For example, I never got to experience my first pregnancy in the way normal people do... without other children in the house. When I was dealing with absolutely unbearable exhaustion of pregnancy for the first time, I still had a tornado of a child to take care of. And when I miscarried, even through my grief, I still had a cuddly three year old begging for attention. It makes it harder in some ways, that's true, but easier in so many others.

And interestingly, I think the miscarriage has given me a lot more patience with J. I'm not nearly as snippy. While I don't always have the emotional energy to handle him these days, I don't snap, I just find backup. He's a wonderful kid, but not without his issues, having been bounced around a lot his first year, and yet, I have more patience with him than ever. And somehow, he's instinctively known to listen more to me these past couple weeks.

I think I've done fairly well on the emotional spectrum, and I think a lot of that is because of J. I had two days (not consecutive) of complete breakdowns, neither of which were while J was home and awake. He's done a lot for me in terms of my ability to cope. And I love him just as much now as I did before. I love that I have him to snuggle with and grow with and learn with. I love that I have that little man in my life. I couldn't ask for a better companion, miscarriage or no miscarriage. Mostly, I'm sad that I will have to wait a little longer to see J as a big brother.

I'm not grieving this particular child. Morbid me took a good long look at the fetus and yes, it had arms and legs and eyes and ears, but it wasn't a person yet. What I'm grieving really is the totality of the situation. Four years of trying to conceive. One pregnancy. Lots of hopes and dreams. And those dreams aren't gone.... but they're deferred, somewhat unexpectedly. A friend of mine (a friend who has five kids, mostly grown) gave me a necklace and earrings after the miscarriage... the card said, "Something with which to remember dreams deferred. With gratitude for your friendship. Love, E." Without realizing it, E hit the nail on the head... it's the dreams deferred that was so hard to take, not this specific loss of a person.

And I'm okay. I have the best husband I could ask for. I have the most amazing three year old monster I could ask for. I have options left, which is more than a lot of people I know have. I have good doctors and even if I never had another child, I know that I have a really good life. It's just that I really want those other children. Those dreams deferred. I want to know that the dreams are merely deferred and not cancelled.

There's no possibility that this experience can be looked at as a good thing. It's a horrific, awful thing, and no one is arguing with me on that. But I must still acknowledge that there is positive to be seen in all this. It's good for a marriage to go through the hard times. It's easy to go through the simchas (joys) together, but the strength built in a marriage through the difficult times is hard to replicate. My husband, my greatest joy, has been my constant source of strength since I met him 8 years ago, and these past weeks have been no exception. There is positive that has come out of this ridiculously unfair experience, and I know that. So there you go. My little teeney clarification turned into a big mound of babble. Ah well. It's my blog, I can babble if I want to!