Moving on

Mostly I've been okay recently. I had a followup appointment with my OB on Tuesday (the 17th), and I'm healing perfectly... physically anyway. I was saddened to learn that the hospital was unable to do genetics on the "products of conception". It wasn't anyone's fault, really. The ER handled things properly according to their protocol, but their protocol was not proper for genetic testing (I guess the normal solution that such things are preserved in precludes genetic testing... I'm not entirely clear on the details). I honestly think that the inability to do genetics is the biggest slap in the face of all of this. I feel like I'll move forward somewhat blind, not knowing if this is something I'm genetically destined to repeat over and over. But the odds are that it was a fluke and not something we're predisposed to, so I'll just go with that. Still, I have to say that G-d and I aren't really on speaking terms right now. I know that's probably a fleeting feeling, and life will return to normal eventually, but that's where I am now.

Right now I have a rambunctious, excited three year old riding circles in the living room on his tricyle, completely convinced that he is the world's most acclaimed racecar driver, so what more could I ask for?

On Wednesday, I have a followup appointment with the fertility clinic. My doctor is on maternity leave, irony of ironies, so I'm seeing a different doctor. He's the head of the practice and I've liked him just fine in the monitoring appointments he's been at. In fact, he did my second and third IUIs. I know that in a lot of ways he's the best of the best, and it's his protocol that has made this clinic so successful. Still, I'm sorry not to have Dr. T. who is just an incredibly special person as well as an outstanding physician. I'm mostly afriad of feeling like I have to start from square one if I'm seeing a different doctor. But I just can't be the only person having to have a doctor substitute, so they must be used to this. I know there are some things that I am back to square one on... it's been about a year since a lot of the testing that they run annually has been done. I know my OB re-ran a bunch of the infectious disease testing, but it may be less complicated to let Shady Hell just re-run everything rather than trying to piece together what still needs to be done. I don't know that they'll make me do another HSG (I hope not... I didn't find it uncomfortable like some women do, but it's just more time off of work that I can't afford). I know they'd make me take another course of doxycyclene, but I had to take a round of it after the D&C so that's probably a moot point.

I hope Dr. S. has some reasonable answers and that I don't have to wait months and months to get back on track. I don't want to do IUI anymore. Too many side effects for results far too low, but I'm somewhat worried that Dr. S. will say, "well, it worked once, so we know it works, let's just try again." I doubt he'll actually say that though, since I'm pretty sure they don't make much money off of IUIs, and IVF is their real cash-cow. A physician friend of mine, who had twins with IVF last year, told me that her medical opinion (despite not being an RE herself) was that my only logical next step is IVF with PGD, but I find it hard to believe that one late miscarriage, with no conclusive answers as to WHY it happened equals jumping to PGD, though she's right that it would cut out the risk of having to go through this again blind. Still, something about that scares me. I mean, if we do straight IVF and it doesn't work, we've still got an option... IVF with PGD. But if we jump straight to PGD, that's basically our last option (our rabbi doesn't allow donor eggs or sperm, so really, IVF with PGD is the last choice). There's something psychologically painful about jumping straight to my very last resort (especially since it's unlikely that my insurance will cover PGD at this point without a few more ridiculously late miscarriages... ugh!).

Anyway, I'm babbling, but that's where I am. I'm frustrated to be without a plan. I'm a planner. I always know what my plan B is. Throughout my pregnancy, I was making plan B, plan C, and plan D. I never entirely expected to make it all the way to April with a baby intact, and I was only JUST getting used to the idea that the pregnancy was probably here to stay for a while. So here I am, thrown for a loop, with no plan for the foreseeable future, and THAT is the hardest part of all.