Backward.

You never want to hear the words, "Here's the problem," and "positive pregnancy test" in the same sentence. You don't want your heart to sink when you hear the words, "positive pregnancy test." I've spent the last four years absolutely positive that if I had a positive pregnancy test, even if it was bad news, I'd feel peaceful and happy, grateful to know that at least it's POSSIBLE.

Let's go back. On Tuesday, I started spotting lightly and had heavy cramping. By Tuesday night, I was sure my period had come, and I stopped taking my prometrium. Wednesday morning seemed like a light-normal period day for me, Thursday I had a little tiny bit of spotting, today almost nothing. Since today was Day 3 of my theoretical period, I went in for my normal Day 3 monitoring (ultrasound and bloodwork). I had decided to go ahead with another IUI cycle since I can't squeeze an IVF cycle in without my trip to Phoenix interfering. Miraculously, my doctor was covering monitoring today and she said no problem, everything looked good. She wasn't surprised that my "period" was so light because let's face it, it's probably been 10 years since I've had four periods in a row, so I probably have no sense of perspective left.

So when my nurse called me at one o'clock, I got out my pen, ready to write down what protocol I should start with tonight with the injections, but instead heard her hesitating.

"Question: When did your period start?"
"Wednesday."
"Have you had a lot of bleeding?"
"No, actually, it's been ridiculously little."
"Here's the problem: I need you to go back on your prometrium."

Oh holy hell, I thought.

"Okaaaaaaay...." I said, knowing full well what the problem was.

"You had a positive pregnancy test."

Silence. I couldn't bring myself to say a word. This is bad. This is not how "positive" results are given. This is not, not, not good.

"Now before you get all excited, this was a low positive. What that means is that your E2, P4 were appropriate, but you've got a very low positive beta."
"Okay, can you tell me how low?"
"Sure. It's 23.8."

Shit.

"Um, yeah, that's pretty darned low."
"Yeah, it really is. Now before you get all jumping up and down excited, I've got to tell you, that's very low."
"No kidding."

I must interject at this point and mention that I'm pretty flipping proud of how well I kept my composure on this call. I pride myself on not losing it in their office or on the phone with them. Only once have I even started to crack and I made a complete recovery. This part of their job sucks, let's be honest. They don't want to be delivering this news any more than I want to hear it. All I'm wondering at this point is why on earth I should bother continuing to subject myself to the evils of prometrium for a beta so useless as that. 23.8, indeed. How like me to not even be able to do this right. Fortunately, my stunned silence convinced the nurse to keep talking.

"There are two things this could mean: 1. Two days ago it was higher and this is an early miscarriage, or 2. It's just too early to test and it will be higher two days from now, but I'm inclined to believe it's more likely the first scenario."
"No kidding. I think that's much more likely."
"I'm really sorry. I can't let you cycle at this point, I need you to go back on your prometrium and come back on Monday for a re-test."
"I'm going to be in Texas at my grandmother's funeral on Monday."
"Tuesday then."
"All righty."

Tuesday. An eternity. Can I wait that long? Clearly I have no
choice but to wait that long. I made my appointment for Tuesday morning, got off the phone, and took a deep breath. Then I fumbled for my cell phone so I could go downstairs and call my husband.

Fuck.

Some miracle happened that meant that my husband was at his desk when I called and I immediately lost it. Lost everything. Full-on-hyperventilating, unable to communicate, hysterics. I'm not proud of it. I'm really not. I mean, even though this is probably a miscarriage, isn't it awesome? Isn't it great that a positive happened at all? Aren't I supposed to be fucking ecstatic to hear the words "positive pregnancy test" no matter what the circumstances?? Isn't this what I promised myself I'd be okay with? Isn't this what I wanted?? A sign? A first step toward this stuff working eventually?

I'm supposed to be happy, even though the news isn't perfect. But I just can't bring myself to be. And I can't tell anyone because if it turns out to be real, I don't want anyone to know right away. So what on earth is a girl supposed to do?