Thursday, May 10, 2007

Defeat (mostly complaining... you might want to skip this one!)

Today was the first day in which I went to work but just couldn't make it through the day. My husband took one look at me this morning and said, "so you're staying home?" No, I had too much work to do. So off I went. I didn't finish that work, though I did bring it home. I have no idea if I'll accomplish any of it from home. I pushed myself too far with the work that I did accomplish, and deadlines be damned, I just can't do it right now.

The nausea, which had abated for a week or so, is back in full force. I'm in pain just about everywhere, which makes me cranky and generally yucky feeling. I think I might have (another) UTI (what is WITH this??). And I have this pulsating pain in my lower left flank and every time it flares (about once every 2 minutes) I feel like I'm going to be violently ill for a few seconds before it passes. It's completely stupid. I feel far too whiny and annoying and I hate it when I'm like this. I know that this miracle of a pregnancy is something to be embraced and enjoyed and I really want to do that. But I want to cry more than I want to embrace anything.

I am now unmistakeably pregnant looking, which makes me happier than I thought it would. Finally I don't just look like I need to lay off the Ben and Jerry's (ironically, I really don't eat much ice cream because it makes me ill). It's getting hard for me to move around, but at least now people can look at me and see that I'm pregnant and understand why it takes me 10 minutes to walk down the hall.

Despite all the ickiness, I mostly still don't *feel* pregnant. I still feel like an imposter. I keep thinking someone is going to find me out and realize that I don't actually belong in the pregnant-person-club. I wonder if that will change once I can feel the babies moving. I'm 14 weeks, 1 day and still in awe that I've made it this far, but terrified when I realize how much further I have to make it for this to work.

Oh heck, seriously? This post is so darned negative it's pissing ME off and it's MY post! Grr.

7 comments:

carrie said...

Hey, no worries, you're allowed to complain! You at 14 weeks is like a singleton pregnancy at 30 weeks (or something like that, right?) so of course you feel uncomfortable and in pain. You have THREE babies in there! Have you met any other triplet moms that can reassure you that it's going to get better?

megan said...

no kidding! you're certainly allowed to complain being that you have *three* babies in there! are you planning to work much longer? might you be able to swing stopping work earlier than anticipated?

decemberbaby said...

Complain away! I think the whole "embrace your pregnancy and don't complain" thing can only fairly be applied to singleton pregnancies that have no complications... and maybe not even then!

Take care of yourself and your babies.

hadjare said...

Do you think you will ever post a "progression" photo, so to speak?

Malky B. said...

It's your right to complain. Nobody ever said that pregnancy is easy. Doesn't it feel great when you realize that other people know your pregnant. I'll never forget my first pregnancy when I was taking the trains to work and this huge guy stood up for me. Being NY someone else was trying to grab the seat and he said "excuse me, I got up for that pregnant lady - let her have the seat." That's when I knew I was offically showing. It will seem more real once they start kicking.

Jody said...

You really haven't even TOUCHED cranky here, did you realize that? Not even in the neighborhood, really.

I think the imposter thing comes from infertility, the total anxiety of the decision-making process, and the nagging concerns about "what happens if" when if is a worst-case scenario. Totally par for the course. But worth fighting, if you can, because this is a big deal.

You can't do anything about the nausea or the pains or the exhaustion or the curtailment of normal life (although: mmmm, recliners) but do try to use a little retail therapy if you can, and TAKE PHOTOS. I didn't take photos, and I regret it ENORMOUSLY.

Enormous being the operative word, later on in the game.

Seriously: retail therapy and regular photos. If you can't feel authentically pregnant, fake it until you make it.

Courage [and glad to see that you felt better later]

triLcat said...

I'm at 32 weeks, and I still feel like a fake. I think it's just something that happens to some women...