Deflated

I give up. I was very firm in my no-reduction position. I was clear, I had thought it out, I had researched it and researched it and researched it. I wasn't going to be pushed around.

And then I saw my OB this morning. I love him. I respect him. I trust him. These are all important things with an OB. He asked what I'd decided after talking to the perinatologist, and I told him I just really didn't think I could consider reduction. I didn't hear anything compelling enough to convince me otherwise, and I know I'm taking on a huge risk, but I think that the risks with reduction are almost as scary, nevermind the moral dilemma. I told him it isn't fair. I told him there was NO good option here... both options are rotten, and there's no way around it. I don't love the triplet idea. I want a big family and I'm all for welcoming three children into my life, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'd much prefer to welcome them individually.

And my OB, who I trust more than just about any doctor I've ever had, looked at me with a look of such genuine concern and told me very calmly that he is very worried about my ability to carry all three. He's worried that if I try, I'll lose them all. I'm worried that if I reduce, I'll lose them all. See? No good options. I told him that the perinatologist had sort of brushed off the concern about my height affecting fetal weight, but he strongly disagrees, and I've got a study sitting in my bag that supports his position on this. Women under 165 cm are at a much greater risk of severely low birthweight triplets than women over 165cm. I'm 152 cm. He reiterated that he was still troubled by the 12 week loss I had in my last pregnancy, since there was no apparent cause for it (and they couldn't do genetics on the fetus, because it was mishandled by the ER). He agreed with me that there is absolutely no good choice in this matter and that there are risks on either side of the coin. He understood my concern of total fetal loss resulting from a reduction. He told me he would absolutely support me no matter what my decision, but he asked me not to make up my mind until after the nuchal fold scan and/or CVS (if we do the CVS). I think that's a fair and reasonable request.

And now... I just feel so defeated. So conflicted. So uneasy. I haven't really stopped sniffling since this morning because I just don't know what to do. No matter what I do, I'm going to second-guess myself. No matter what I do, I'm going to blame myself if it all goes South. No matter what I do, I don't know how I'll deal with the consequences. I am utterly, completely, miserably confused right now. And there is no one who can make this decision for me. Even my husband's opinion seems to be that he'll support whatever I decide, and he sees both sides of the argument, and he feels like it's my body that's going to have to deal with the consequences either way, so it's ultimately up to me. In some ways, that is the bottom line. While yes, it should be a joint decision... I'm the one who has to carry three if that's what we do, and I'll be the one physically carrying the burden of that decision. While it may seem like a cop-out... he's really right. Certainly I wouldn't allow him to FORCE me to have a reduction, so ultimately... it's true. It's my body, my call. Like it or not. Still, it would be nice if he would have a strong, specific opinion on the matter, so that I could either rebel against it or embrace it and blame him when it all goes wrong. ;)

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Oh yeah... I should mention... The OB couldn't hear the heartbeats with the doppler, maybe just a tad bit too early. I thought I heard it at some point, but it was brief and fleeting and he couldn't get a lock on it. So he took a quick look with an ultrasound, though I didn't get any pictures. He just wanted to get a quick peek to see if the heartbeats were all still there. They are indeed. Three of them. Three viable fetuses. The sacs have grown a bit and they're all squished up together. Anywhozit, I got my quick peek. Nuchal Fold scan at the perinatologist's office next Friday (the 20th).