NOTE: I don't know why this originally posted with comments disallowed; it's certainly not my default setting and I didn't change it when writing the post, either. Anyway, the problem is fixed.
I've gotten a bunch of questions recently, some via email, some via my other blog (yes, I'm a two-timer! but I write very little about infertility over there). Technically, they're not Frequently asked questions... just questions that have been asked, so I hope you'll excuse my rather liberal use of the term "FAQ" in this case. I'll paraphrase the questions and provide my answers:
1. Oh my gawd, you're having triplets??? What were you thinking, you idiot!?
Okay, I told you I'd be paraphrasing. This question came from someone who essentially implied that I was irresponsible about my infertility treatment. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, to be honest. I certainly had no intention of having triplets. I put MY order in for a singleton, but since God* and I haven't been on the best of speaking terms since my miscarriage in October*, I think the message got garbled. "Please God, bless me with a child" somehow got translated to, "That whiny bitch*** down there keeps asking for stuff... let's make her careful what she wishes for next time."
2. Oh my gawd! How could you say such a thing! Aren't you grateful you've got triplets? I mean, isn't this the infertility jackpot??
Grateful? Sure. I'm grateful I got pregnant. I'm grateful I'm probably going to end up with a baby come... um, well, I'm due in November, but we're probably looking at September if this stays triplets, and holy hell, NO I'M NOT GRATEFUL to be looking at the prospect of delivering 32 week preemies. Three of them. Three helpless little babies who can't survive outside of the NICU. I'm not grateful for that. Infertility Jackpot my ass****. To me, this is actually the Infertility Nightmare. Go from spending tens of thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant to spending tens of thousands of dollars on a severely high risk pregnancy and delivery. This is your idea of a jackpot? I think not. Yes, I'll have three babies, IF this makes it that far. And yes, that's a bracha (blessing) times three. And yes, once they're here, I'll love them all no matter how many there are. But mostly, I'm terrified of the toll it's going to take to get there.
3. Oh my gawd!***** You're an Orthodox Jew? How could you even CONSIDER reduction? It's not muttar! It's akin to abortion! It's a chilul Hashem! If you must consider it, you certainly shouldn't be advertising it! Have you talked to your Rav (Rabbi)? He'll tell you why it's not okay! Please don't do this without talking to your Rav!
Ahem. Oh you think I'm exaggerating? Um, maybe a tiny bit, but not as much as you might think. And if you didn't understand all that Jewtalk in that question... well, you're probably lucky. Let's start with the first part. Yes, I'm an Orthodox Jew. I can still consider reduction. Here's how: Halacha (the body of Jewish Law) does not blindly condone reduction, but it is not a black-and-white issue in halacha either. I didn't go into this cycle with a reasonable expectation that I'd come out with triplets (while, if in an IVF cycle I'd transferred three brilliant embryos... it would be fair to say that it was a reasonable possibility that I'd end up with triplets). That's part one.
Part two is consideration of the specific medical circumstances. I don't know how much my medical history is going to come into play with this, but I would be irresponsible if I didn't consider it. I had a stroke (minor, yes, but not to be ignored) when I was 23. I have a very small hole in my heart that isn't usually problemmatic, but if I developed blood clots, could be very dangerous (i.e. leading to another stroke). I have a plethora of lesser ailments, but those two are at the top of my list. So yes, I will meet with the maternal-fetal medicine specialist (whom I will have to see regardless of whether I'm considering reduction, since this is defined as a high risk pregnancy already). I will meet with the doctor and I will ask him what I am to expect of a triplet pregnancy with my medical history. I will ask him whether there is a significant risk to me or the babies by the simple existence of triplets. I will assume that basically the answer will be that I CAN safely carry triplets, but will have to be monitored carefully. If that is the case, obviously, reduction is out of the question.
Yes, I'm fully aware that I need to speak with my Rav. Yes, I've told him I need a meeting with him before Pesach. I am waiting for him to find a time that works for both of us. I will absolutely make no decisions on how this pregnancy will progress without consulting with my Rav. I have several weeks before that decision would even come into play regardless. Seriously, if you're that concerned about me following halacha, you have way too much time on your hands.
4. Oh my gawd!!!! I knew it! I just knew it when you triggered early with all those follicles, I absolutely knew you were going to have triplets. And when your beta came back so high (228), it was obvious you were having twins or triplets.
No you didn't. You did not know I was going to have triplets. You are not smarter than my doctors. You are not omniscient. The high beta was still well within normal (right smack at average, actually) limits for a singleton. It was around average for twins, too. You may have thought it was high, but it wasn't unbelievably, alarmingly high. You did not know when I triggered that I would have triplets. If anyone could have known that, I wouldn't have triggered, I wouldn't have done IUI and I wouldn't have gotten pregnant. I would have been on birth control pills right now awaiting my IVF cycle start. That was the plan, remember? Ironically, odds are good that if I'd had IVF, I would not have ended up with triplets.
5. You sound awfully upset about this triplet thing. Aren't you happy?
Happy? Sure. I'm ecstatic. And terrified. I'm thrilled. And scared. I want all three! I'm terrified to have all three! Yes, I'm upset. It's not because I don't want all three children. I couldn't be more thrilled to have three children (though I do wish they wouldn't all come at once!). I'm upset because there is so much to lose. If I lose one now, I don't think it will be any easier than any other loss, even though there are "back ups." I am petrified. If you think you wouldn't be petrified, well, you've never found yourself pregnant with triplets.
6. You don't know that they'll all make it... so what are you worried about?
I'm worried that they won't all make it. I'm worried that they will all make it. I'm worried that they'll all make it and someday one of them will discover that sometimes I hoped they wouldn't all make it, even though I'll love them all no matter what. I'm worried that going through a triplet pregnancy will take an irreparable toll on my body. I'm worried that they'll all survive the pregnancy, but not survive the NICU. I'm worried about paying for Jewish Day School tuition for three kids simultaneously. I'm worried about 3 simultaneous college tuitions. I'm worried I won't be a good enough mom to three kids of the same age. I'm worried that J (my foster son) will be outnumbered immediately. I'm worried that I won't be able to nurse my children. I'm worried that I'll get sick and not be able to take care of them. I'm worried that I'll never be able to go back to work, which would mean we can't pay the mortgage, which would be bad! I'm worried that my kids will hate me. I'm worried that I won't be the "cool" mom. I'm worried that all my friends will drop me because I'm too high maintenance. I'm worried that I'll never see anyone ever again. So you see, plenty to worry about, most of it is irrational. I get that.
7. Oh my gawd!!!! You're so negative! I can't read your blog anymore!
Right. I know you aren't going to stop reading my blog, so don't even threaten it. After all, people love to watch train wrecks and if there's one thing that my blog is probably going to closely resemble very soon, it's a train wreck. Actually, I'm really not all that negative in real life. I'm pretty scared, but I am happy and I am excited and I am looking forward to meeting my baby or babies, as the case may be. I can't wait until I can tell people. I can't wait to watch them grow and develop. In some ways, I must grudgingly admit, this IS like hitting the infertility jackpot. Even if it IS terrifying.
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* No, I don't do the G -dash- D thing. It drives me crazy. First of all, I'm typing onto the internet, which means this isn't a permanent writing. But far more importantly, God isn't the proper name of, well, God. Sometimes I write "Hashem" to avoid the whole debate, but I get that most people who read my blog aren't Jewish and probably won't understand "Hashem" but perfectly well understand the name "God." I see no reason to apologize for my lack of a dash, but people get all prickly about it, so I may as well.
**Actually, I'd started talking to God again recently... of course my foster son thinks God is shaped like a ceiling fan, since most of my conversations with God involve sarcastic comments that I make toward the ceiling (and consequently the ceiling fan). Anyway, ever since the triplet thing came up, I've been ambivalent, but I think I'm back to the silent treatment. My friend S (a rebbetzin) says it's okay that I'm not speaking to God, because (AND I QUOTE!) "God hears you not talking to Him." Well, that just ticked me off so I started talking to Him again, just so He'd stop being so self-righteous about it, and look where it got me! Triplets! Serves me right.
***Oh right. I'm an Orthodox Jew. Probably not so lovely for me to be swearing and cursing all over the place, and I try to keep it to a minimum (in writing, anyway, I have the mouth of a sailor), but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Got it?
****See above.
*****Yeah, all the emails start out that way. Okay, not really, but it's funnier my way, okay? Believe me, I've gotten some caring, loving, concerned, beautiful emails from people, but I get a lot of wretched, cruel, unfunny ones too. Plus, any excuse for yet another footnote, right?
11 comments:
Gawd. I can't believe some people. Please tell me you aren't getting this kind of stuff from fellow infertiles. I would think we should all be educated enough to understand what a huge thing this is, not just for you but for the babies as well.
Hoping for you Karen. For what, I am not exactly sure. I am just hoping for the best possible outcome for all involved.
What's the name of your other blog? It sounds like your really considering not reducing. I have a friend in brooklyn who has triplets and also had to think about reducing but didn't. Let me know if you want to talk to her. As far as I know they are all healthy and 10 years old right now. I'm pretty sure they were born fairly large as well. Don't know all the details but I'm sure she'd be happy to talk to you.
I love it when fellow frummies just assume you're going to go off the derech and decide not to consult a Rav. Yeah, cause that would almost happen. While you're getting all wild and crazy and disavowing the life you lead, have a bit of bacon for me, no?
B'shaa tovah. This too will resolve itself in good time.
Oh, and I forgot. With 3x Day School tuition, you're going to have to make aliyah with us. :)
I'm sure, after all that, you'd appreciate some support. I understand everyone is entitled to their opinions, etc. etc. but firstly, let me start by saying I admire your honesty and on the net too! Brave!
No one, unless they're in your current situation or has triplets themselves (and no "I know someone who has", not the same thing at all), can understand what your feeling or what it may be like in the future with triplets.
As an infertile, I completely understand your happiness at finally being pregnant and as a mother of one, I completely understand your horror at finding out there are three! At least your honest in saying you have mixed feelings, it shows your integrity.
One child is a blessing but it has its difficult moments (only someone with integrity or honesty will ever admit that fact). So three, all at the same time, I can only imagine!
Of course you appreciate that G-d (note the dash :) gave you even one, but you seem to understand the realism of your situation, which I admire.
You seem to have the intelligence to realise that three at once is going to be hard and your being honest about that.
I'd much prefer to read you say you want the best for your babies but worry that three is over your head, then read you cooing about how cute triplets will be without the real understanding of the reality of such a situation. Your head seems to be very much screwed on and not in the clouds, which makes for a great parent!
Babies are no picnic, to the delusion of many infertile bloggers who go on about wanting twins etc. so only you have the right to choose what is right for you and your husband. It's your life, not anyone else's.
I'm sorry people are so righteous. Frummers and usual the worst because they go by the book and forget that there are human feelings involved. I'm sure, if your Rav is good, he will be understanding and a great source of help and comfort.
I just found your site recently (around when you found out you are pregnant) and think that all of your emotions/worries/thoughts make perfect sense. All of those questions are overly judgemental and actually somewhat rude.
I really appreciate your thoughts on reduction, because it is something that is swirling around in my head right now. I'm ~6w5d pregnant right now, and will find out in a week if it is a singleton (I was taking Femera to help me ovulate)... If it isn't a singleton, I may be encouraged to reduce because my uterus may not be able to carry twins.
I guess I just wanted you to know that there are non-judgemental people out here who think that you make as much sense as you can in a situation like this!
Oh, those questions get me really angry! This is YOUR body and YOUR situation. I may have never experienced anything remotely close to a triplet pregnancy, but I can certainly imagine the mixed emotions, and probably mighty powerful emotions. 3 babies are exciting, but scary! It will take a high risk pregnancy and lots of work to get to see them grow up.
This is a very scary time, and I understand all your feelings. I have actually been talking about your situation with my husband, because it brings to light the possibility of unexpected multiple pregnancy when you take fertility drugs without doing IVF. Because you've been brave enough to be open and honest about your emotions, I feel I am more equipped to face a multiple pregnancy if that should happen to me. I want to thank you for talking about everything so openly.
I won't be stopping my reading any time soon!
Ahhh... the questions we get. I love this post. You're my hero!
(and I appreciate that someone else out there doesn't use the dash! Since when was "God" God's real name anyhow?)
We are in the same boat (except I'm packing two, not three, as you are, and I'm not an Orthodox Jew.) I'm also a two-timing blog writer, I too have gotten the same responses you have, and I also want to shrug my shoulders and simply say: You don't know me. You don't know my life. You know how you are, which may be nothing like me. Just accept I'm handling things differently to you.
In the meantime, know that you're not alone, and there are others struggling with the same thrill and fear that you have.
I just want to say good luck with whatever decisions you may make, and I'm sure you'll make the right decision for yourself. I really am very impressed with how honest and open you are on your blog. I love it. And I'm totally with you on the God thing. I never use the dash.
I loved the Q&A! Some people make the worse assumptions about a situation like this. And I love that despite all you are able to keep your sense of humor intact. You are my hero!
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