You didn't think I was serious, did you? Triplets? My worst nightmare? Are you kidding me? You're DARNED RIGHT I WAS SERIOUS. Could I seriously make this stuff up??? Yes, I really did have that nightmare. And yes, it really did play out exactly the same way in real life less than 6 hours later. And seriosly, HOLY COW! I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I'm not sure I'm even thinking yet. I'm excited, and terrified, and pissed off, and happy, and stunned, and did I mention pissed off and terrified yet? Because those are the predominant emotions I'm feeling right now. Once again, I think I expressed myself better in a recent email to Mel than I could do otherwise, so I will simply quote the email I wrote in response to her thoughtful query. She offered to get me in touch with some triplet moms, which is awesome (but terrifying), and asked how I was doing. Here was my response:
Right. So I don't know how I am. I'm pretty freaked out right now. Like completely freaked out right now. Like I have no idea what to think at all. One of the sacs is smaller than the others, so my nurse thinks it won't make it. I'd like to say that would make me terribly sad, but I'm not convinced it would. I think it's small because it implanted later, and I suspect that has no bearing on whether it will survive. Half of me hopes it doesn't, the other half of me feels like a rotten, ungrateful, evil person for thinking that.
I'm not sure yet whether it would be jumping the gun to talk to triplet moms. I can hardly count on this remaining a triplet pregnancy. Certainly I don't have a terrific history with pregnancy so far (only one pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage at 12 weeks, then this one that so far has gone from: "hey, you're pregnant" to "hey you are probably miscarrying" to "hey it's twins" to "hey, look! there are three!"). Who knows what will happen. I have a friend who got pregnant a week aftet I did last summer. She got pregnant with triplets. She's due next month, but only a singleton remains... she lost two at 12 weeks. So I don't know what to think. I don't know whether to sit around planning for triplets, or just wait and see.
I know I'm blathering. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this. I know I should feel like I hit the jackpot. But I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I will lose all three. I'm terrified that I'll end up with three. I'm terrified of having almost a guarantee of severely premature babies. I'm terrified of the consequences of that. I'm terrified that I'll get used to the idea of triplets and then lose one, two, or all three of them. I'm terrified that I'll never get used to the idea of triplets and I'll still end up with triplets. I'm terrified that someday my three beautiful children will find out I really didn't want triplets in the first place and that part of me actually hoped they wouldn't all make it. And I feel stupid for being terrified about something I have no control over.
And you know what else I am? I am pissed off because I'm still bleeding. A lot. And I wasn't at all during my ultrasound today and I hate that they probably think I'm making a big stink about nothing (even though they're careful not to suggest such a thing). I am, however, grateful that my nurse isn't calling me a nutjob for wanting to come back on Friday (my originally scheduled appointment for this week) AND next Tuesday when Dr. Amazing will be back. At least she's letting me come in for ultrasounds pretty much whenever I feel like it. I don't know what I'll do if I'm released to a real OB and can't get my ultrasound fix on a regular basis. And that's another thing that pisses me off... I love my OB. Can he handle triplets? Or will I be stuck with a perinatologist that I don't know and don't like? If I don't get to have MY OB I'm going to be ticked. Seriously.
And there's me getting ahead of myself again. Sorry for venting at you. It's your fault for asking!
And that's pretty much where I am right now. Freaked out, worried, terrified, pissed off, and slightly (SLIGHTLY) excited. Mostly, terrified. And there goes ALL hope of avoiding an epidural. This is so not okay. I really, really, really, really don't ever want a NEEDLE IN MY SPINAL COLUMN! I'm not kidding! What a stupid thing to be upset about right now. Oh right. There's also "how in the heck are we going to afford triplets?" and "Holy Cow, we need a new car, and where exactly is the money for THAT coming from?" Suffice it to say, freaked out is a good way to put it.
As for exact details, I think the two larger sacs were about 9mm and the smaller sac was 6mm. All three had visible, measurable yolk sacs, but I don't remember how big they are. No fetal poles visible yet, but that wasn't a surprise. They're awfully small yet. No heartbeats yet. Also not a surprise, nor is it cause for concern.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
But seriously folks....
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8 comments:
Triplets!!! I'd be freaked out too. But try not to get ahead of yourself. As my mom would say, "Take it one day at a time." I know it sounds scary but just have faith that everything will work out fine.
One day at a time, Karen, one day at a time. I know it's hard to think straight right now, and maybe that's okay! So let me say again, Congratulations.
Oh my, all I can say is that I'd feel exactly the same as you! Its early days yet, so until theres a viable heartbeat on all three, calm down :)
Best wishes, I'll keep checking in, I'm now officially curious to see how things pan out (in the good way, of course).
Kind regards
Artblog
Well well well, who'd a thunk it? You're right to not get ahead of yourself. There is a chance that all three will make it and there is a chance that the small one will stop growing. And either way you will cope.
But i do get frustrated w Shady Hell. Can't anyone tell you anything about your bleeding? Can't they see where it's coming from? doesn't it bother them?
Oh, honey. I think anyone could understand what you're feeling. It's overwhelming to just think about it, much less experience it. You'll figure it all out in time -- just give yourself the permission to feel exactly how you do.
So much is uncertain right now. This has to be an extremely difficult time! No matters what happens, this will greatly affect your life. YOu will either become a triplet mom (wow!), or you'll have to deal with loss again. Neither is a good situation to be in.
I wish I had some great comforting thing to say right now. I just wish you some peace of mind and at least one baby to make it to term.
Wow. Just, wow. I think I would feel exactly the same - your mixed emotions about this make complete sense. But I agree with Adrienne in terms of taking it one day at a time. There is SO much uncertainty right now, but all you can really do is buckle up and hang on for the ride. Deep breaths as often as you need them :)
All of the feelings you describe are understandable and appropriate. You are very aware of your feelings, and this is good, no matter what your feelings may be.
Those potential triplets still only have the halakhic status of water. You weren't even at four weeks yesterday. Perhaps decide not to count them, not in eager anticipation, not in worried panic, not with feelings of hope or of guilt, and certainly not to plan, until after next week.
Is it only the implantation that has been causing the bleeding? Might you have had multiple implantations and losses early on in the other pregnancy? What information are you being given about the bleeding?
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