Some Times are Harder than Others

I went to see my OB/GYN today because I have to have an updated PAP Smear every year or Ye Ol' Fertility Clinic won't let me continue treatment. I get this. I can understand the policy. I'm not complaining about it.

But it was the first time I've been back to the OB's office since my D&C Followup Appointment. I had hoped not to see him again until I could walk in and say, "I'm pregnant." I didn't expect, however, for this to be a difficult appointment. But while I was sitting there in a little paper gown waiting for him to come in, I started to feel very uncomfortable. I could hear a doppler in the other room beating wildly and I remembered when I heard the heartbeat in that very room and Dr. B had said, "Heart rate is 170, which is good. It means you're having a girl. Or a boy. Or, um... I can't remember which way it's supposed to be." I had told him not to worry, because my husband's family only makes boys. At that moment, I actually believed I was going to have a baby in April. I think it was the first time I'd really believed it.

Five days later, well, we all know how this ends. I was three months pregnant. It wasn't supposed to happen. It was too late to have a miscarriage. The odds of it happening were infinitessimal. Hah!

So he asked what the plan was... I told him that first I needed to have bloodwork drawn to rule out a thrombophilia (he noted that generally this isn't done until one has experienced two miscarriages, but in light of my mother's history it makes sense), and that I would then take provera to induce a cycle and do two IUIs before moving to IVF. He agreed that this all made sense, but was appropriately deferential to Shady Hell, as I expected.

He got some bloodwork to check my cholesterol and thyroid levels. I'm sure my cholesterol won't be pretty, but he hoped that perhaps the metformin would have helped with that over the long term. Maybe he's right. We'll see.

Speaking of Metformin, I said that I'd talked with Dr. Amazing about staying on Metformin for the first trimester if I get pregnant again, and Dr. B. was, again, deferential to the opinions of Dr. Amazing. I was a little worried that he'd refuse to support the idea of staying on the metformin (some OBs are very against it), but he was totally open to working with whatever Shady Hell suggests. You know, IF it's ever an issue again. Because this is all predicated on the theory that I'll get pregnant again someday. Sigh.

Anyway, the whole point of this post (which I started writing on the 13th and am only now, on the 18th, getting aroudn to finishing) was that I was caught by surprise at how difficult it was for me to sit there in the OB/GYN's office. I didn't expect that, especially since I've been largely okay with the whole miscarriage thing recently. I guess I'm not 100% there yet.