Fun in Perky-Land

So, here I am in perky-land. I did hear back from my nurse yesterday in the early afternoon. She was really funny about it too, because I'd said in my email that I was sorry for pestering her with an email, but I'd forgotten my cell phone and couldn't really discuss gory details about that stuff from my very-open cubicle. So when I answered the phone, she said, "Hi, you don't have to talk, it's Mary, just listen."

Anyway, we chatted for a bit and she's not so concerned about the spotting, even though it's heavier. She said that sometimes as the placenta is burrowing further down into the lining, there can be some spotting, but even sometimes there's still a little bit of shedding of the uterine lining in other parts of the uterus, which can lead to some bleeding. She agreed that either nothing's wrong and G-d is laughing at me, or something's wrong and they can't do anything about it anyway. She did offer to have me come in today for my ultrasound instead of tomorrow, but if I did that, I wouldn't have my doctor at the ultrasound, plus it wouldn't change anything, really. It would still be a matter of nothing being wrong or something being wrong that they couldn't fix.

What she was worried about was the cramping. Tuesday night and last night had I cramping that easily rated an 8 on a pain scale of 1 to 10. I'm pretty good with pain, having had at least a dozen kidney stones in the last decade, so when I say I'm really in pain, I mean it. She told me I should do my best to go home and lay down last night and tonight. She didn't think I needed to take time off of work. And I think she was mostly telling me that for my mental health more than for any physical benefit. At least, that's what I'm hoping, since my husband wasn't home last night and SOMEONE had to feed and bathe the kid (we have an almost-three-year-old foster son, if I haven't mentioned that before) and get him in pajamas, and send him to bed. Actually, he practically sent himself to bed, because I fell asleep while he was watching TV. He woke me up when his program was over and said, "Eema, it's over, it's time for bed." So cute. I yawned all the way through his bedtime stories and singing the bedtime shema (the shema is a prayer we say three times a day, including bedtime, so we sing it with him at night). Once he was in bed, I passed out on the bed again.

Yeah, I'm still THAT kind of exhausted. I don't know what the deal is, but I'm hoping that the second trimester burst of energy isn't a myth. Actually, I'm mostly just hoping I make it to the second trimester. And the third.

I'm not all kinds of pessimistic, but I'm a little tired of G-d messing with me, too. I keep wondering if I should be making plans for an IVF cycle in the near future... is this pregnancy really going to be that short-lived? I wonder if this all works out if I'll re-read these thoughts in a year and think I was far too pessimistic, or if I'll think I was justified in my hand-wringing. Sometimes I wonder what my future self will think about my present self. It's a bit weird to think about, actually.

Anyway, the point is, all is well. Still cramping. Still spotting. Again. I'm sure everything is fine and I'll look at the ultrasound tomorrow and wonder how on earth I could have been even a little worried. For now, though, allow me a tiny bit of hand-wringing.