bleh

I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Nervous, I think. I'm spotting very heavily every evening now. By morning, it's gone or so light it doesn't matter anymore. Cramping has gotten worse, too. It has gone from barely noticeable to "ohmygodowowmakeitstop!" I'm not really certain what to make of this, to be honest.

I suspect that either nothing is wrong and I'm just going to have to learn to live with this, because, I mean, why on earth would G-d want me to actually enjoy pregnancy anyway? Or, something's wrong, but there's nothing they could do about it anyway, so I need to let it play out and figure out how it will resolve itself.

I have an ultrasound on Friday. Suddenly, I'm not expecting sunshine and light.

I sent a neurotic email to my nurse asking if she could lend any insight, but I haven't heard back from her yet. I suspect I won't hear back from her for a while, as I think she does clinical work in the morning. When it comes down to it, I doubt she'll have much to say, not because she's not smart but because I'm pretty sure I'm right: Either there's something wrong and they can't do anything about it, or nothing's wrong and G-d is laughing at me. Hah hah.

Also, I'm tired. Tired doesn't even begin to cover it. I've never felt so shattered in my life. I can barely keep my eyes open and it's not even noon. Last night at 8 o'clock I would gladly have hit myself over the head with a hammer just to get some sleep. But G-d really is laughing, because he's also making me an insomniac. I can't stay asleep for long stretches. And no, it's not a bladder thing, because that's not been what's been waking me up. VERY FUNNY, G-D! I get the joke, now cut it out!