Ever since I've heard about this migraine study (yes, I'm still obsessing), I've found myself much more sad about infertility-related things. I think I did a pretty good job of not wallowing in my infertility before (not that there's anything wrong with wallowing!). Yes, infertility is a part of my life, but so long as I was doing something about it, I didn't feel constantly sad about it. It just was.
Now, every time I think about the migraine study (all the time), I feel like I'm going to cry. Sometimes I do. And I'm not crying about the study... my gosh, it's a dream come true! But I think about 12 months off of fertility treatment and I just want to cry. It's just not fair that there's no possibility I'll have an "oops" during that time. If I got pregnant during the study, I couldn't pretend like it wasn't intentional. How can I promise I won't get pregnant for another 12 months? Nothing I'm signing says I won't get pregnant, but if I did get pregnant, my data would be excluded from the study findings, which would be like stealing, since they still would have gone through the expense of having a $23,000 device implanted in my heart.
So yeah.
I want to do the study. But I don't think I can. Which would I regret more: giving up a chance to minimize my migraines or giving up 12 months of trying to have a baby? I'm fairly certain I would regret the latter option more. It's not a pleasant choice to make, I'll tell you that.
Yes, I'm still obsessing. Yes, I expect to change my mind a few more times before I have to make a final decision. Yes, you can expect to see more neurotic posts about this. I do have other things to write about, but I just can't get this out of my head. Every time I start to write a post, I start writing about the study instead. So bear with me.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Sad
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1 comment:
Sorry I haven't been around in a little while, and sorry you have to make such a horridly difficult decision. I don't envy you. It's like someone saying you have to loose a limb, do you want it to be your arm or your leg? Obviously both are extremely important to you.
And by they way, going back to your post about the ultrasound pictures, I don't think there is anything wrong with keeping them and you should keep them, it is a part of your life and like you said you shouldn't feel like the pregnancy didn't happen.
I have one ultrasound picture from my pregnancy. It was from 8 weeks so it wasn't real clear. Strangely I had several scans done but they only gave me a picture the first time. I kept it and put it in a cute little box that my mom got me. It's kind of shaped like a book so I have it on my bookshelf and I put a couple little momentos from my pregnancy, including the picture.
Sometimes I think I wasn't really pregnant and it was all just a dream so it's nice to have something that reminds me that it was real. This may sound strange but I really wish I had the ultrasound picture from my last visit when there was no heartbeat. Since I was 17 weeks the picture was so clear and it was such a perfect little profile that I saw on the screen. They didn't print a photo that day, so I only have it in my head, but I really wish I had a copy of it, since I have so little from my baby.
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