You'd think this would go away. This ridiculous infertile envy of mine. I'm pregnant for crying out loud. I know lots of people look at my blog, see that I'm pregnant and click away immediately, sorry that they accidentally stumbled on yet another pregnancy blog. I'm one of THEM. One of the traitors. No longer one of the team. But once a stirrup queen, always a stirrup queen, I say. Pregnancy has made me no less infertile. Pregnancy has made me no less capable of just deciding that I want to get pregnant and making it happen. Pregnancy has not created in me the freedom to make my own reproductive choices without the interference of a team of doctors.
Oh, but what's that, you say? Triplets? Why, oh why would I ever need to contemplate more children anyway? I'll tell you why! Because if I were fertile, I'd be ABLE to contemplate that without anyone asking me such a ridiculous question, that's why. Because never in my life did it occur to me that I would have one pregnancy and be done. Because it never occured to me that my only pregnancy experience would be a high-risk, bed-ridden, terbutaline-laden experience.
And where does the envy come in? I have a friend who got married in early February. On my husband's birthday, in fact. I was in the middle of a doomed IUI cycle, or so I thought. I had, in fact, that morning been to a monitoring appointment in which a doctor had given me yet another quizzical look and basically said, "Well, at least we know this is the last cycle, and we're moving on to IVF next cycle." My friend is a lovely woman, and she married a lovely gentleman, another friend of ours, and we couldn't be happier for them. But I was near tears all day. I'm not normally like that during a cycle. I normally take the ups and downs of a treatment cycle fairly well, but that cycle just kept going SO BADLY and I was so very tired. And it was February, which meant that the bride, beautiful and radiant, had plenty of time left in the year to get pregnant and have a baby before year's end.
And guess what? She's due to have her first baby in December. Which means she got pregnant a month after I did. (I had my IUI mid-February that month to get pregnant with the triplets). And I wouldn't wish infertiity on her. I really wouldn't. Not for one, single, solitary second. I wouldn't wish it on ANYONE, least of all her. But... but... couldn't she at least be due in January? Couldn't I have just been wrong once?
I am surrounded, and I mean SURROUNDED by pregnant women in my community. It's one of the pitfalls of being an infertile woman living in an Orthodox Jewish Community. One woman is due around the same time that the triplets should be making their debut with her first from her second IVF cycle and I couldn't be happier for her. The others, as far as I know had no struggles (they are all relatively newly-weds, or they are on their second, third, or fourth children in pretty short time spans). Between early July and the beginning of October, there are 10 babies (counting each of the triplets as one baby) expected (and now, if you expand to December, 11 counting this friend I described above) in a one mile radius. Four were born in the last 10 days. Three of us are expecting arrivals in late September (including me). You would THINK that with me being one of the pregnant ones for once, I wouldn't be jealous. But I am. I really am. And worse, there's a piece of me that just HATES that I'm not special, and a piece of me that LOVES that the triplets set me apart from all the other deliveries coming, because at least in that sense, my babies still ARE the special ones. Because I really AM that petty and childish.
You'd think I could just be genuinely happy for everyone else's good news. And usually I am. I truly do not believe there is a limited amount of fertility in this world. I don't believe that another woman's pregnancy takes away from my "chances" of a pregnancy. And yet, when I learned of my friend's pregnancy, I felt hollow and empty and mean. I wanted to leave the room and cry if I could, but I knew I couldn't. And no one, NO ONE, understands why it would matter to me. I mean, I hit the jackpot, right? Triplets! I never have to worry about having kids again, right? Except that I hate that people just assume it's okay to say that. "Well, at least you're done and you never have to do this again." What a horrible thing to say. What if I WANT this again? How exactly is having a catheter in my leg pumping medicine into me 24/7 a fun pregnancy experience? Why is it okay to assume that I'm just loving this "perfect" pregnancy from my bed or recliner from which I am allowed to emerge for a meal or for the bathroom or for a doctor's appointment, but for nothing else?
But it's not fair of me to blame fertile myrtles either. My friend never did anything to me. She isn't even the one that told me she was pregnant (I'm closer with her sister who told me because I talk to her far more often). She's never said "nanny nanny boo boo. it took you five years and tens of thousands of dollars of treatment, but I only took a month, so pbbbbt!" I'm sure it's never occurred to her. She's quiet and unassumming and beautiful and so unbelievably perfect. I'm not angry at her. I'm angry at myself for not being mature enough to just be happy for her. After all, I have everything that I wanted. I have an amazing husband. I have the pregnancy I begged and cried and prayed for (even though technically I prayed for a SINGLETON pregnancy). I have a beautiful amazing foster son. I have a home I love and a supportive community. I couldn't ask for more.
And yet, I still envy her, and I hate myself for that.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Envy
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26 comments:
Don't hate yourself. I have a friend from high school who by accidental bad timing sent me an e-mail years ago - this is when I was ttc #1 and going to the RE and having a particularly despondent day - saying "Hi! Guess what! I'm pregnant again, that's right, we're expecting #2! :)"
I'm ashamed to say that I resent her To This Day.
Try not to beat yourself up about the envy - you are not alone.
I have a beautiful 11 month old son, who is a result of IVF. I am resentful of being infertile and envious of all the fertiles everyday! We want to have another baby and instead of just deciding "when" we have to decide how (IVF here in this country, another country where it is more affordable or donor eggs, which would give us a better chance) we have to decide how to pay for it rather than just lighting a candle or two :-) A pregnacy and a baby don't make those feelings go away.
Why shouldn't you be upset? The experience does not equal the final result.
Don't hate yourself! My best friend from high school (who just got married last month), told me yesterday that they are trying this month. Already! And "wouldn't it be fun if we were pregnant together?!". I'm already dreading the call/e-mail telling me that she got it on the first try. Which is absolutey awful, because with my daughter, I did! But this experience with infertility has completely tainted how I see fertile women.
chris is right, you're not alone.
It's not like you got the pregnancy you worked so hard to achieve, either, or that you're looking forward to the blissful Mommy days you always wanted. You're in the trenches of a high-risk pregnancy, and you're going to be mothering infant triplets.
Envy is Totally Normal.
You are not alone. I feel the same way so many times. IF envy. It is always there.
My biggest fear, that my SIL will announce (or my sister for that matter) that they are pregnant. I don't think that I could take it. Seriously, I don't think that I would be able to be happy about it. How awful is that.
My Mom keeps announcing to me about each of my cousin's that are pregnant (I am the oldest cousin by the way), like I need to hear it. It is a contest for her. I guess she is losing since she doesn't have any grandchildren. I swear that she thinks this way, it is twisted.
Anyway, you have every right to feel the way you do. Hang in there. I am thinking about you. How are you doing?
I'm sorry to say that it doesn't EVER go away. I now have 5 children (including triplet girls) who are all the result of IUI's and I am still a bit envious when someone says they're pregnant. And I am STILL frustrated that I can't decide to have another baby if I wanted one and my oldest is 7!! Don't beat yourself up. It is entirely normal. And I only got one the first time around. Now I'm pretty happy that I finally got triplets :)
You are not alone in these feelings. I feel the same way. Things have been slightly better since I have been pregnant but I still feel so resentful of anyone who did not have to go through hell to get pregnant. I guess this is normal!
It doesn't go away. I wish I could say it did, that maybe someday it would. My aunt had a son that she gave up for adoption and then suffered secondary infertility because of endometriosis so severe that it required a hysterectomy. She's in her 50's and told me that it never goes away. It dulls, it's not as constant, but it's always hiding there, ready to come out at your lowest times.
It's not at all your fault. Most of infertility's scars are invisible to anyone but those of us who've been there. You're definitely not alone in feeling that way, and being pregnant with triplets doesn't make it wrong to feel that way. I can understand why an Orthodox community would be a difficult place to deal with infertility.
I too can relate to your envy--I don't think it ever goes away, even if pregnancy is eventually achieved. I also live in a community chock-full of pregnant women and tons and tons of young kids--an urban yuppie mecca of sorts--and it can be, and usually is, completely maddening and envy-provoking.
hugs to you,
Adrienne
i totally hear ya (((hugs)))
I just wanted to say, thank you for being so honest and candid about the way you feel. I feel so evil sometimes with my thoughts and feelings. The worst is, as another responder mentioned, hoping you conceive because you are trying to beat a family member to it. I have a sister-in-law who is "perfect" and is 23 (I am 30) and I pray daily I can conceive and carry to term before her. I just couldn't bear it the other way around. Thanks again! You don't know how much you impact me daily. I appreciate it.
Don't hate yourself. It upsets me sometimes when people get pregnant so easily. I just don't understand how it can be so hard from us and so easy for others.
You are not alone in your feelings.
I thought that *I* cornered the market on "hallow and empty and mean" in response to other people's pregnancy announcements. Nice to know I'm in such good company.
You are normal. Normal, normal, normal. Okay, wait. I sort of know you now since we've met and all. You are most decidedly not normal (in a good way). :-) But at least your feelings are normal.
From my experience, this feeling actually does go away - but it takes until you have the number of children that completes your family (and at this point, it is probably difficult for you to know what number that is).
I think one of the things that annoyed me most was that when my twins were born everyone decided for me that I was done. I wasn't and I was just as infertile as before...
At least there's hope for an envy-free future :-)
Good post, but oy!!
After all you (and the rest of us) have been through to get where we are, I can't imagine the envy ever going away. You're not alone around here.
But I know, out there in the vast world, it would seem that having these feelings would make one a terrible person. You have shown time and time again how wonderful, caring and compassionate you are. Let's focus on that for a moment...
I totally understand your feelings. Big hug for ya!
Like everyone else has said... this sounds expected. I definitely understand it. I resent that in every single conversation I have, my friends have the ability to just PLAN and ASSUME on when and how and where they'll get pregnant... who they'll be pregnant with, how lond their future kids will be in relation to so-and-so's future kids. I HATE that they CAN talk like that. I don't have that luxury. IVF is staring me in the face in Sept and I can't even THINK let alone talk about "a June baby". It sucks. I never see it going away for me, either. I feel like it's assuming on the future and something in me wants to believe the women who talk that way are immature. I guess really it's me. I still want to be different, but not so angry.
IF cuts so deeply, I fear the scar never truly heals.
lucky#2
Being an orthodox Jew myself, I felt myself nodding along to this entire post. Although I am pregnant now (after IVF), I still roll my eyes and feel a stab of pain when I hear about friends getting pregnant a month after their wedding. I have friends that are pregnant with their fourth child (did I mention that I'm only 27?).
There was a story in the news today about a woman who had her 17th child. My husband emailed it to me and wrote that he feels bad that even if we wanted to (um, 17 is a little much), we just don't have that option. No matter how many children we are lucky enough to have- that's something that I will always mourn- the fact that we can't get pregnant just because we want to.
It will fade, you will feel better over time.
For me pregnancy was almost the time to rehash and process all my infertility feelings. And of course, you're not a mother yet. Sure you wanted pregnancy, but what you REALLY wnated is the small head in the hollow of your neck, a baby nuzzling at your breast, a toddler shouting MUMMY and running over to hug you.
Those are the things that will heal you, not a terbutaline pump in the leg and bedrest.
Oh, and even now I'm pg w/#2 I still want to spit at people with the bad grace to tell me they conceived the first month they tried. But only really them.
OOh, I had to add, yep, another poster pointed it out - I probably feel better now because I'm expecting the child that will nearly complete the family size I used to envision for myself.
But I still maintain that being a mother helps a TON to heal you.
Well said.
Give yourself permission to grieve.
Oh Karen, I definitely understand. When I found out about our friend who started trying a year after us and is gonna be the first of our group having a child, I just thought how unfair.
It's right to want to be doted on, I understand. For all the hard work you put in, it isn't like you want to diminish others, but you want some kudos...
You are soooo not alone in these feelings. My fertility envy (despite my relatively short inferitlity journey) has mostly morphed into singleton envy, although I find the two intertwined.
I am envious of singleton moms: of the "normal", full-term, stay on your feet until you deliver and your baby comes home with you Moms, of the cute little single strollers, of the cute little cars that hold ONE carseat, of all of the parenting books that tell you how to care for ONE baby, etc, etc, etc. I am hoping one day it will go away, but it is still going strong so far.
On a side note, I hate being constantly reminded of my infertility by idiot strangers who ask "Are they natural?" or "Did you take drugs?" etc.
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