Sunday, March 04, 2007

Update and Your Comments

Dinner Friday night was a success. My math was, again, incorrect, and we had 20 people. Fortunately, I cooked for an army, so while we were a little short on chicken, that was easily rectified by cutting some pieces in half. We had more than enough for the fish course, more than enough for the soup course, and we had so many side dishes that I doubt anyone noticed that there wasn't much in the way of chicken. Fortunately, we also had plenty dessert. Not a soul left my table hungry. I wrapped my ankle in an ace bandage for an explanation of why I wasn't being nearly as accommodating as usual. I plated everything, but others from the table did the actual serving. So it was all good.

I had horrible contraction-like pains all day yesterday, so I took it easy. Unfortunately, this means I did not make it to shul in the morning, but there's always next time. A friend read me the megillah last night. This morning I arrived JUST in time for the megillah reading. However, I'm still glad I chose to take it easy. I really wasn't feeling all that well yesterday, and it was good to not be running around all over the place.

Thanks for all your kind thoughts on Friday and since. On the one hand, I'm ecstatic about the brilliantly doubling beta. On the other hand, there's just too much of this that feels like last time: The surprise pregnancy after a strange and disappointing cycle, the bleeding, the pain. As Thalia said, it seems apparent that this is what happens when I'm pregnant: I bleed. So maybe it's normal for me. It's certainly not unheard of. It's just that it's hard to believe this is going to end any diffferently than the last miserable failure. I know there is absolutely no reason to believe that it will have the same outcome and logically I don't believe it's likely. Emotionally, however, is an entirely different story. I'm all kinds of worried. I have, however, had a thrombophilia (clotting) panel run. Though one test came back borderline, it shouldn't be what's causing this particular issue, and I was otherwise in the clear. I'm still raising my eyebrows a bit, though, because the bleeding I've been having is almost entirely clotted. It's gross and sorry for the TMI, but it's quite uncomfortable and it's a large part of what's making me worry. Still, I'll trust that for the short-term I'm okay. But I'll continue to worry about the long-term.

Still, I know that no amount of worry on my part is going to change the outcome. Either I'll stay pregnant or I won't, and there's nothing I can do to change that outcome at this point. Not even by restricting my activity. Which brings me to a couple of your comments... Yes, the mental health benefits of restricted activity are still worthwhile, even though I know that there isn't (at this point) a true physical benefit. If I miscarry, I don't want to say again, "what if I'd done something differently?" like I did last time. I knew, logically, that nothing I did caused my last miscarriage, but I still wondered at first. I also want to clarify that I'm not being negative about the reasons for restricted activity. It's realistic that the restricted activity doesn't have a physical benefit at this point. And I am not negating the mental health benefit that I'll get from not pushing myself too far. I'm all for doing whatever it takes to make this go as smoothly as possible for the next several months. Really.

Yes, they will do another beta tomorrow. I don't know if they'll do another after that. I know they're generally satisfied once the beta hits 1000, which it should have done today. But since I know they won't do an ultrasound until at least another week, I'd really much prefer to have betas in the interim, so I may ask for them anyway. I hate being the paranoid freak in the office. But I also hate not having information along the way. I actually feel pretty positive about tomorrow's beta. I don't see any reason why it won't have continued to rise appropriately. See? I can think positively. In the short-term, anyway. Except then I remember that literally all of my pregnancy symptoms have disappeared entirely Seriously. Unless you count bleeding and cramping as pregnancy symptoms, which for me it appears that they are.

Now I think I'm going to go crash. I was up late last night, and awakened early this morning by a three-year-old-monster. Time for some rest, I think.


decemberbaby said...

I'm way too tired to make some kind of witty comment. Here's my best effort.

I would never minimize the importance of feeling like you've done everything you can. You're right, you don't want to have any "what ifs" if (God forbid) anything happened this time around. Take it easy. Let others bring you chocolate.

Still thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way! Chag Purim Sameach!

Anonymous said...

The ankle bandage was a clever idea. It sounds like things worked nicely with dinner.

It's a shame you were in so much pain yesterday. It's good you were able to rest some.

It makes sense that you'd worry. It's good that you are aware of how you are feeling and are taking care of yourself emotionally.

You don't come across as negative but rather as realistic.

I hope tomorrow's number is up over 1000. I also hope your doctor can give you more information on why you would bleed and cramp like this.

It seems that you feel more secure the more information you have, and your doctor and nurse seem to appreciate this, so continuing to have betas until the ultrasound would be smart, and they should agree to it.

I hope you are able to enjoy the remainder of Purim and to rest well.

How do you make your broccoli kugel?

Adrienne said...

I just found your blog, Karen, and I wanted to say that I'm thrilled for you. (Not thrilled that you're not feeling well, but thrilled that you're pregnant.) Sending good thoughts your way that the beta continues to climb...

And I love your broccoli kugel recipe! Will be shamelessly stealing that for the next holiday.