Confession

I have a confession to make: I keep forgetting that I'm in the two-week wait. I mean, I know I'm waiting for my beta so that I can start birth control pills. But I keep forgetting that what it actually means is that there's the theoretical possibility I could be pregnant. I'm completely serious. So much so that I keep forgetting to use the evil prometrium suppositories.

The cool thing about forgetting to take prometrium is that it means I don't have all the progesterone side effects. Or so I thought!

I have the stabbing, white-hot, poker pain in my breasts, just like I always do during the stupid 2ww because of the prometrium. And I'm queasy, just like I always do with prometrium. And every time I start to feel a little dizzy, I think, "don't worry, that's just the prometrium." Except, um, it isn't.

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful that maybe there's a possibility of anything interesting going on in my nether-regions, but seriously! This is ridiculous! There is no effing way that I'm pregnant and I seriously resent my body's insistence on pretending like there's even the remotest possibility. Worse, I still can't get out of my head that a positive beta would only be an inconvenience at this point... I'm ready to move on. I'm not interested in having another 5 month delay for pregnancy, inevitable miscarriage, D&C, and following betas down. And there isn't even the tiniest part of me that thinks it would be anything but that scenario. So this better just be God messing with me (as per usual), because I'd really like to be pregnant at some point when I can appreciate it and be happy about it, not now when I would only resent it.

I know that is completely screwed up. I know I'm an ingrate. I also know I'm not pregnant, so I don't know what I'm complaining about. I'm a completely messed up person.