Le Sigh: Follow up with RE

I just don't know what to think at this point. I had my followup at the fertility clinic today and I just don't have the warm fuzzies I'd hoped to have when it was all said and done. Not that I expected any warm fuzzies or anything, but it would have been nice.

Anyway, it was a hellish morning. My husband left the house before 4am this morning to catch a flight to NY for a one-day conference. He doesn't do this often, so I can't hold it against him or anything and I do appreciate him being willing to do it all in one day instead of leaving me overnight, but still. The point is the man WOKE ME UP too darned early in the morning. First by his alarm going off at 3am and then at 3:45 to kiss me goodbye. Sweet and all, but seriously people, a girl like me needs her beauty sleep. Badly!

J (three year old monster extraordinaire) was a royal pain in the neck. He woke up at 5am wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, and threw all manner of tantrums for the majority of the morning. My mother was supposed to come early to watch him until it was time to drop him off with the nanny so that I would have plenty of time to get to my appointment. Instead, there was an accident on the beltway, and her 20 minute drive took her an hour and forty minutes, so I was running even later than I wanted to be, Julian was screaming that he would NOT leave the house without seeing Grammy, and the cat wouldn't leave me alone just to top it all off. Finally, finally, I got Julian out the door, got my mother to agree to meet me at the nanny, and I was on my way. Late, but still plenty of time under normal circumstances.

And then I ran over a squirrel. Now, seriously, how much is a girl supposed to be able to take? I've been doing pretty darned well with this whole emotional-rollercoaster miscarriage thing. Pregnant one day, not the next, basic suckage, kidney stone, obvious smiting from G-d, whatever. I've been handling it pretty well. But running over a squirrel? I lost it. Completely. The poor little creature never did anything to me! Argh. All in all, a decidely not good morning.

By some miracle, however, I did manage to arrive on time for my appointment at Shady Hell with Dr. S. I'd like to come up with a clever name for him, but right now I'm so irritated that I'm not sure I can be that creative. Back to my appointment. Here are the basics:

1. Dr. S. was appropriately sympathetic for my loss. I cannot fault him for that. He was sensitive and kind and appropriately mannered and so on.
2. Dr. S. wants to do more IUIs. I don't know how many. Presumably one and voila I'll be pregnant and angels will sing in heaven and I'll feel badly for giving G-d the silent treatment and so on and so forth. Pardon my disbelief. Dr. S's theory (not surprisingly) is "well, it worked!" Yeah, 8 months, four cycles and a lot of throwing up, and it worked.
3. I told Dr. S. that I threw up almost every single day that I took Follistim (it's true!). I also said I was okay with the fact that the doses would be higher with IVF and that it would mean more throwing up, because the odds of success with any single IVF cycle are much higher than the odds of any single IUI cycle. Not necessarily, he said, in light of the fact that I definitely had a success with IUI. Could be my odds are around the same. I find this extremely hard to believe. Anyway, the point is that he's recommended I switch to Gonal-f, which I already hate based on their stupid syringes and dosing pen. They are completely dumb and inflexible for the teeney weeney dosing that I need.
4. I have to have bloodwork done to show that my HCG level has gone down to less than 5.
5. At four weeks, I shall call my nurse and say, "See, I told you I wouldn't get a period on my own."
6. I shall then report to ye old local vampire hangout (phlebotomy lab) to have blood drawn to check my HCG (wouldn't be good to start a cycle if it turned out I'd gotten pregnant in the interim, now would it, boys and girls?), E2 and P4. (I know E2 is estradiol, and I think P4 is progesterone, but I'm not entirely clear why they check those before I can take provera)
7. IF it turns out that I am, indeed, pregnant at that point, I shall report directly to - who the hell do you think you're kidding? Move along, nothing to see here.
8. If it turns out that I am, more likely, not pregnant at that point, I shall proceed to take provera for either 5 or 10 days depending on how Dr. S. is feeling that day. I shall be a cranky, cranky Karen while taking provera (which, incidentally, also makes me throw up... seems to be a trend... funny that I didn't throw up while I was actually pregnant)
9. Several days after finishing a round of provera, I should, in theory, have a period. On Day one, I call my nurse, and schedule day 3 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork (when they will, AGAIN, check my HCG, E2, and P4). And so the rest, as they say, will be history. Either that IUI cycle will work, or it won't and we'll do this exciting dance for however long they make me. Thrilled I am not.

A friend of mine very insightfully pointed out why I am so upset about doing IUIs again. She suggested I ask Dr. S. precisely how long I should keep doing the IUI dance before inevitably all roads lead to IVF. She is quite correct, because really the problem for me is not knowing where the next decision point is. If I knew we would do this 1 or 2 or 3 more times, I'd be good. If I'm supposed to do this ad infinitum until someone realizes it's not working, that's not okay for me. Therefore, I must know how many times to keep doing this ridiculous dance. And I know that if it works, I'll feel badly for calling it a ridiculous dance, except, oh wait, that's right, I won't feel badly about calling it that, because you know, TICK TOCK! I'm seriously wasting time here and I HATE THIS.

I still feel a bit like I'm doing this completely blind, because I still don't know if the miscarriage was caused by a genetic abnormality that we're predisposed to creating, in which case this is all for naught. I'm hoping I don't have to go through several more miscarriages just to prove to everyone that IVF with PGD is the only answer (I'm not advocating that it IS the only answer; I'm hoping that it is NOT the only answer). I know that it is absolutely no one's fault that I don't have the genetic analysis and that there's no more information to be had, but I'm frustrated. Since my HSG last year was normal, there's no reason to believe there's a uterine abnormality that's caused all this. Dr. S. doesn't think I need another one yet or any other more invasive test because the HSG would have shown what he needed to know if there was anything to see.

Other miscellaneous notes:

• I shall resume taking Metformin XR, 1500 mg/day immediately.
• I can absoultely take Aleve, Codeine, etc. for migraine relief. I may absolutely not, under any circumstances, take Depakote unless I'm going to (hah!) use birth control.
• I do not have to see Dr. S. exclusively. If I want to get a consult from one of the other doctors, I can do that. They work as a team, though, so it's probably not worth it. Plus. Dr. S. is the head dude, it's his protocol that's made the clinic so successful, and apparently from the endocrinology end of things, he's the man... the best of the best as they say.
• My husband and I must both have our infectious disease testing re-done. We have to prove annually that we do not have HIV, Hepatitis, or Syphillus. Not a problem, though there was that one night of indiscretion in Cancun... oh wait, I've never been to Cancun.
• I do not have to prove that I'm immune to chicken pox. This is good, because I am not immune to chicken pox and I apparently never will be. I do, however, have to sign a waiver annually saying that I won't hold them responsible if I get chicken pox while I'm pregnant and my baby is born with feathers.
• I had to sign a big long consent form (in order for them to give me a script for metformin) stating that I understand that technically speaking metformin isn't indicated for PCOS. Whatever. They have so many copies of my signature on file I wouldn't be surprised if I had accidentally signed away my first born (oh the irony!) to them.
• Shady Hell still owes me close to $2000 for a cycle that I paid out of pocket that was covered by insurance. They still have not issued said refund. Today, for the third time, my financial coordinator assured me that the refund was authorised and would be processed, mailed, and arrive in my mailbox within about 2-3 weeks time. Yeah. I'm holding my breath.
• I still have 3 IUIs preauthorized by my insurance good through 2/26/07. I have 2 IVF (+ICSI and Assisted Hatching, if needed) authorizations good through 4/30/07
• I need an updated pap smear. Because, you know, I might have cancer now. Because G-d hates me. Right. I know they have to have one every year and it's how they keep their insurance premiums down. Mostly, I'm irritated that I forgot to ask Dr. B. to do one at my D&C followup visit. I knew it was coming due and I forgot about it. I have an appointment for that on 11/21 at 9:30am. The good news is that should be the week before I start provera, so the timing should work. The bad news is that it means YET ANOTHER gynecologic exam.
• I should have my OB send Shady Hell the surgery report from the D&C and any bloodwork they ran.

And that, as they say, is that. Nothing more to report here in irritated perky-land. I hope you are all having better days than I am!